
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/11812938.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Thor_(Movies), Marvel_Cinematic_Universe
  Relationship:
      Loki/Thor
  Character:
      Loki_(Marvel), Thor_(Marvel), Odin_(Marvel), Farbauti_(Marvel), Sigyn_
      (Marvel)
  Additional Tags:
      Alternate_Universe_-_Human, this_is_set_in_the_year_2000, Narcissism,
      Terminal_Illnesses, Loki_and_Thor_Are_Not_Related, Age_Difference,
      Dysfunctional_Family, Angst_and_Fluff_and_Smut, Other_Additional_Tags_to
      Be_Added, Slow_Burn, Masturbation, Underage_Drinking, Pining,
      Gaslighting, Homophobic_Language, Dementia, Hand_Jobs, Blow_Jobs
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-08-15 Updated: 2017-10-23 Chapters: 16/? Words: 29173
****** Crash Into Me ******
by ravenbringslight
Summary
     Thor moves back into his childhood home to take care of Odin in his
     final months. Putting up with the old man's moods and taking care of
     his failing body is stressful enough - and then Thor meets Loki.
     Loki is the son of Odin's neighbor and he pushes himself into Thor's
     life with all the dogged determination of youth and the subtlety of
     an avalanche.
     He's the prettiest thing Thor has ever seen. He's also 16.
     Thor is fucked.
Notes
     Sweet like candy to my soul
     Sweet you rock
     and sweet you roll
     Lost for you I'm so lost for you
      You come crash into me
     And I come into you
     I come into you
     In a boy's dream
     In a boy's dream
      - Crash_Into_Me_by_Dave_Matthews_Band
      
      Here are my_inspirations for Thor and Loki in this fic.
     Love and internet cookies to beta_cygni and darklittlestories for
     behind the scenes cheerleading. Also special thanks to
     sexualthorientation for being an excellent partner in crime in
     everything from being a sounding board to offering A+ dialogue/
     editing suggestions and also coming up with the title of the fic.
     <333 This definitely would not exist without them, or at least it'd
     be a lot worse!
     And also much love to golikethatcat who drew some amazing_art_of_Thor
     and_Loki inspired by the story! <3
***** burial mound *****
***
Thor killed the engine but he didn’t make any move to exit the car.
His father’s house - and wasn’t that strange, it wasn’t Frigga’s house anymore,
or Thor’s - squatted shapelessly in the morning mist, a hulking beast of brick
with glassed over eyes, spreading out under its own weight.
A burial mound.
But no, the other houses on the street all looked just as they ever had;
sensibly colored siding, cars parked neatly in the driveways. There was the
Andersons’ yard with its riot of garden gnomes same as always, and the
perpetually unmowed Vance place with its cheerful “home sweet home” sign
hanging at an angle over the door (“It’s jaunty!” Rob Vance always said, but
Thor knew he was just too lazy to fix it).
And here came Mr. Guarino shuffling down his driveway to pick up the paper; and
across the street a woman Thor didn’t recognize walking a dog, but her bright
pink track suit seemed cheerful enough.
Thor looked back at his childhood home. It was just a house.
With a sigh, he heaved himself out of the car and pocketed his keys.
The front door opened before he had even raised his hand to knock.
“Hey dad,” Thor said, trying to put a smile on his face. Odin looked somehow
doughy and haggard at the same time, gray.
“You need a haircut,” Odin said. He turned abruptly and vanished into the
house.
Thor sighed again and followed him inside.
He took the weekend to settle in. His old bedroom had been turned into a den
long ago, but Odin also hadn’t been able to make it up the stairs in quite some
time, so Thor had to clear out all the piles of books and dusty magazines and
old cigar butts and go get himself a cheap bed frame and mattress from Ikea. He
hung as many clothes as he could in the closet and left the rest folded in his
suitcase; maybe someone would set a dresser on the curb sometime soon that he
could take and use. He didn’t lack for money, exactly, but he didn’t want to
spend it on furniture he wasn’t going to need for very long.
He didn’t think his father would make it to Christmas, honestly.
Going out for groceries was a surreal experience. The cashier was one of Thor’s
old classmates, only about forty pounds heavier and what looked like an entire
lifetime older.
“Thor Borsson!” she exclaimed when he came through her checkout line. “It’s
been years! What are you doing back in town!”
“Oh you know,” Thor shrugged. “Taking care of my dad.”
“Ah,” she said knowingly, deftly scanning Thor’s boxes of pasta, cans of
spaghetti sauce and soup. A package of chicken. A bag of apples. Thor wracked
his brain for her name but couldn’t come up with anything other than he thought
it started with a K. Kimmy? Katelyn? “Well it’s nice to see you around anyway.”
“Yeah, you too -” He trailed off awkwardly.
“Lindsey,” she said, raising one overplucked eyebrow at him and laughing. Fuck,
not a K at all. “It’s ok you don’t remember me. Everyone knew you though.”
“Yeah,” he said again, uncomfortable, desperate to get away. “Lindsey, that’s
right. Thanks.” He grabbed his bags and fled.
Making Odin eat was Thor’s first priority. From the state of his cabinets and
fridge when Thor got there, he had no idea how the old man hadn’t starved to
death already.
“Please, dad,” he said. “You have to eat breakfast. Can I make you an egg?”
“No eggs,” Odin said, sipping his coffee. “This coffee tastes like shit. Did
you get the creamer I told you to get?”
“How about toast then?”
“Fuck toast.”
“Oatmeal? Crackers?”
“Crackers. But only so you’ll shut up.”
Thor rubbed the bridge of his nose. His stomach ached dully. Shit, he’d
forgotten to pick up some pepto.
Odin leaned heavily on him as he shuffled into the living room. “My legs,” he
grumbled. “I just need to pick my feet up.” Thor got him arranged on his
armchair with the remote.
“I need to work now dad, but I’m just going to be upstairs. If you need me for
anything just yell, ok?”
Thor had set his computer up on the floor of his bedroom until he could figure
out a more permanent solution. It was going to be hell on his back, but he
could manage it for a little while.
He bypassed the computer though and flopped face down onto the brand new
plasticky smelling mattress. It was his room but it didn’t feel anything like
his room. Bare walls, different bed, different clothes. Different Thor.
When he’d agreed to move back home to take care of his father he knew it wasn’t
going to be fun. After the aortic aneurysm operation Odin had suffered through
and the hellish months of touch-and-go recovery, there was no way Odin was
going to be able to live by himself. He needed help just getting around the
house, much less feeding himself or getting himself to doctor’s appointments or
even remembering the right meds to take at the right times.
“You’re going to have to come take care of me,” Odin had said, his voice tinny
over the phone.
“What about a visiting nurse?” Thor had asked, but when he found out how much
they cost he blanched. “Or an assisted living facility?” Same thing.
“I’m disappointed, Thor,” Odin had said, and Thor felt that old familiar drop
in his stomach. “All that I’ve provided for you, and you want to foist me off
on someone else?”
“I have my own life, dad. A house. A job. Just like you’ve always wanted me to
do. You want me just to drop it all? Why don’t you move here instead?”
“Come home,” Odin had ordered.
His relationship with his father wasn’t the best - ok, it was awful - but Thor
had never been a heartless enough creature that he even considered just leaving
Odin to die alone with no aid. And then Odin had said Come home like that, in
his “I’m the king and you’ll listen to me” voice, and like the perfect son he
had always tried to be (a perfect idiot, more like) Thor had come.
So he was here. He was unhappy, but he was here.
Just try to make the best of it. He probably doesn’t like it either.
Finally he got up and turned on his computer monitor, ready to answer all the
email that had been piling up over the last few days.
“THOR!” Odin roared from downstairs.
Thor sighed.
“Coming.”
***** black nail polish *****
Loki trapped the cordless phone between his ear and his shoulder and dipped the
nail polish brush into the bottle.
“No, I’m not busy, what’s up?” Carefully, he painted the nails of his right
hand with a thin coat of black.
“Wanna go to the mall today?” Sigyn said through the receiver, popping her gum
in Loki’s ear. “I’m super bored.”
“Are you driving?” Loki asked. He examined his hand critically. Pretty good for
the off side.
“Of course. I know you don’t have a car.”
“I know you don’t have a car,” he mimicked back at her, then blew on his nails
to make them dry faster. “When did you want to go?”
“Now if you can? Are you in the bathroom or something?”
“Yeah, I’m doing my nails.”
“Oh god, I thought you were pissing and I did not want to hear that,” she
laughed. “Do you want me to bring some clothes for you?”
“Please,” he said. “Hey, could you -”
The bathroom door banged open, making Loki jump and knock the polish bottle
over on the counter.
“I gotta go,” he said, dread flooding his stomach, and he hit the hangup button
before Sigyn could say anything. “I’m sorry -” he began.
“Oh save it,” sneered Farbauti. “I’ve been trying to get on the internet for
the last ten minutes. I should have known it was you hogging the phone line.”
Loki tried to cover the nail polish mess with his body, but Farbauti’s eyes
snapped to it like a magnet. “And you’re spilling nail polish all over my tile
now? Really?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Jesus Christ, Loki, do you have any idea how much this bathroom remodel cost?”
“I’m sorry - I didn’t think -”
“You never do. You never show any consideration for anyone but yourself. No
respect at all.”
“I’ll clean it up,” he said. “I promise. Right now. I’ll clean it right now.”
“At least you’re off the fucking phone now. I can’t wait until you turn
eighteen and I don’t have to deal with you any more.”
Mercifully she wasn’t on a complete “insult Loki to his face” kick and she
turned and stomped back down the stairs instead of sticking around to berate
him further.
Loki stared at the spilled polish in dismay. Half of his bottle was gone now
and he had no idea when he’d have any spare money to buy another one. And he
was going to have to use up most of the bottle of nail polish remover too and
he didn’t even want to think about how Farbauti was going to yell at him about
that; she probably wouldn’t be happy unless he licked it up, poisoning himself
and not wasting any of her precious toiletries.
“Am I glad to see you,” he said twenty minutes later, slamming the door to
Sigyn’s car. “Go go go before she can yell at me again.”
“Your mom really sucks, you know that?” Sigyn said, glancing at him and then
back at the road.
“Yeah I guess.”
“I got your clothes.” She waved at a bag that was spilling its contents all
over the back seat.
“You are an absolute angel,” Loki said. “Thank you so much.” It was his entire
collection of things that he knew his mother would probably have an apoplectic
fit over if she ever saw them in her house, much less on her son; jewelry, his
fake leather pants, all the t-shirts from bands that his mom thought were Satan
worshippers, stuff with chains and studs...
“Yeah yeah,” Sigyn said, smiling. “How come she flips her shit about a
Metallica shirt but lets you paint your nails?”
“I have no fucking clue. That woman’s mind is a mystery to me.”
He shimmied into a new outfit in the passenger seat and then tried to put
eyeliner on in the visor mirror, but the car was so bumpy it was hard to get it
even.
“Shit,” he said. “I think my eyelids are gonna have to be cousins, not twins.”
He didn’t have any money to spend at the mall right now but Sigyn was really
good at accidentally buying “too much” stuff and letting him mooch off of her.
They wasted the afternoon wandering around and generally making nuisances of
themselves, sharing a smoothie and a giant pretzel, and then some cigarettes in
the parking lot.
“Don’t worry, I remembered the listerine,” Sigyn said, stubbing her butt out
with her heel and leaning against the car. “My cousin said that if we want he
could maybe get us some beer for Friday, but he needs us to pay him back.”
“You know I don’t have any money right now. The ice cream place fired me
because my mom was so flaky about driving me to work.”
“I know. Maybe you could…” She trailed off.
Loki sighed. “Don’t get your hopes up. It’s summer break, I can’t just find
someone at school. What am I supposed to do, cold call them?” He put on a
falsely cheerful voice. “‘Yeah, hi, this is Loki, I looked you up in the phone
book, I was wondering if maybe you’d like your cock sucked -’”
“You’re not supposed to say it out loud like that,” Sigyn said with a horrified
giggle.
“Yeah, well I’m the one who has to do it so I’ll say it out loud if I want to.”
Loki took a last drag from his cigarette and flicked it over the top of the
car, the still-glowing end arcing through the air into the twilight. His mood
was suddenly sour. He didn’t like being reminded of how cheaply he sold himself
- a baggie of weed here, twenty bucks there. The act itself wasn’t what
bothered him, or that he got stuff in return for it. It was just...the look on
people’s faces afterwards that he didn’t like thinking about. The things he
knew they said behind his back.
He scrubbed the eyeliner off on the drive home and changed back into his old
clothes; shirt a size too big so he could “grow into it” and jeans over an inch
too short because his mom hadn’t actually bought him any new clothes in over a
year. The clothing made him furious and his skin crawled as he pulled the t-
shirt over his head.
“Who’s the new neighbor?” Sigyn said as she pulled into his driveway.
“What?”
“Look.”
A tall blonde guy was standing at the mailbox next door looking through a stack
of envelopes and frowning.
“He looks like a Viking,” Sigyn breathed. “A hot Viking.”
“I guess,” Loki said. The guy turned around and Loki saw his low ponytail and
the way his shirt was pulled tight across his broad shoulders and he grudgingly
conceded that Sigyn might have a point. “I thought that old guy lived there,
though?”
“Maybe it’s his kid?”
Loki shrugged.
“Thanks for the ride,” he said, getting out of the car. “Call me tomorrow?”
He stared at his front door and squared his shoulders, already steeling himself
for the impending shit storm. He glanced over at the neighbor’s house again but
the blonde guy was gone.
He had barely finished turning the doorknob before his mom’s screech assaulted
his ears.
“About time you got home you inconsiderate brat I was worried sick -”
He shut off his brain and let the barrage of verbal abuse wash over him.
It was going to be a long summer.
***** meetings *****
If Thor had expected Odin to be grateful for his help he had been a damn fool.
He had long ago moved past bitterness and into a sort of resigned stupor where
his father was concerned, but here he was literally helping Odin wipe his ass
and receiving nothing but complaints in return - he hadn’t bought the right
toilet paper, the bathroom wasn’t clean enough, why was the shower curtain
inside the tub it should be outside the tub.
“You know, maybe I’d have more time to clean the bathroom if I didn’t have to
both work and take care of you,” Thor snapped, washing his hands. “Both of them
are full time jobs.”
“The grass is getting out of control too,” Odin said apropos of nothing except
that he was trying to needle Thor. “You should really mow.”
Thor made a wordless sound of frustration and stalked out of the bathroom with
his hands still dripping wet before he said something he regretted even more.
Odin was right though, the grass was getting long. The thought of having to get
out there and get all sweaty though wasn’t really appealing at all, especially
when he had three different graphic design commissions he needed to be working
on right now. Two of the clients were pretty easy going, but the third was
requiring all his patience not to try and reach through his monitor and
strangle.
Maybe he could find a neighborhood kid to do the lawn. Did kids even do that
anymore?
He was rinsing out his coffee mug and staring vacantly out the kitchen window
when he saw one of the neighbors come out.
“Good morning, Mr. Guarino!” Thor called out from across the street. “How are
you today?”
Mr. Guarino stopped at the foot of his driveway with the paper in his hand and
waited for Thor to walk over. “Oh, fine, fine. How are you?” When he smiled his
bald head crinkled up along with his eyes.
“I’m fine too.”
“It’s good to see you back home, Thor. I’m sure your father appreciates it. So
sad to see him in such a state.”
“I’m doing what I can,” Thor said. “Hey, do you remember how I used to mow your
lawn in the summer? Do you know if there are any kids around that might like to
do the same for me, make a few extra bucks?”
“Hmm.” The older man squinted. “Have you met your new neighbor yet? Farbauti?”
“No, I don’t think I have.”
“She moved in about a year ago. I think she’s got a son about the right age.”
“Thanks,” Thor said. “I should probably go introduce myself anyway. Hey, do you
want to come over for dinner tomorrow? I’m making mom’s old spaghetti recipe.”
Mr. Guarino laughed. “When are you gonna learn? It’s called macaroni and
gravy.”
“Yeah,” Thor smiled. “What do you say? A little macaroni and gravy for old
time’s sake?”
“I’ll be there at six.”
Thor clapped him on the back and meandered back across the street. When he was
growing up his friend Fandral had lived next door. They had gotten into all
kinds of shit together. He had fond memories of riding their bikes around the
neighborhood, of standing around in Fandral’s kitchen eating his mom’s
incredible pancakes. When they were older, of smoking under the deck in the
backyard, and bringing girls there too.
He wondered what the place looked like now.
His curiosity was answered when a short woman with slightly too-big teeth and
an unflattering bob opened the door and sized him up.
“Hi,” Thor said, feeling awkward suddenly. Even though he knew Fandral’s family
didn’t live there anymore, it was still a bit of a shock to see someone else
standing in the doorway like they owned the place. “I’m your next door
neighbor.”
A beat of silence. “Do you have a name, neighbor?”
“Oh. Um, Thor. My name is Thor.”
“Hi, Thor,” she said, opening the door a bit wider and revealing the hideous
floral wallpaper inside. “Did Odin move?”
“No, no, I’m his son. I’m just here to...I just wanted to come over and
introduce myself,” Thor said, wincing internally. This whole conversation was
already a disaster.
“Farbauti,” she said, giving him her hand to shake and a smile that was a
little too wide, her eyes lingering on his chest. Thor knew that smile. He got
it more often than he liked to admit. “What can I do for you?”
“Ok, well. This might sound like it’s coming out of nowhere, but I need someone
to mow my lawn. And Mr. Guarino from across the street said you have a son who
might be interested?”
Her hopeful expression faded a hair and she turned her head away.
“LOKI!” she yelled up the stairs. “GET DOWN HERE!”
A boy with long dark hair appeared at the top of the stairs and gave them a
puzzled look before starting down. When he got to the bottom he crossed his
arms and stood there looking as uncomfortable as Thor felt. With how thin the
kid was, Thor was surprised to find that he had to be at least six feet tall;
he gave the appearance of being much slighter, somehow.
“Thor,” Thor said, sticking his hand out for the boy to shake.
“Loki,” the boy said dubiously, returning the gesture. He looked expectantly
between his mother and Thor. His face was pretty. Very pretty. Actually it
might be the prettiest face Thor had ever seen in real life. Thor wondered what
his father must look like, that combined with the plain woman in front of him
they had produced such a stunning creature.
“I was wondering if you could mow my lawn this summer,” Thor said. “Once, maybe
twice a week if the grass gets really tall? I can pay you.”
“How much?”
“Ten bucks a pop sound ok?”
“Mmm...it’s been really hot this summer. How about twenty?”
The kid’s eyes were such a startling shade of green that Thor forgot what he
was saying for a second. He probably would have agreed to any number. “Yeah,
sure. Twenty.”
Loki smiled, close lipped and careful. “You got a deal.”
“Manners,” Farbauti hissed.
“You got a deal, sir.”
“Please, just call me Thor.”
“Thor.” Loki gave his mom a significant look as if to say, Sorry mom, he made
me do it.
“Can you come over around one today?” Thor asked.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Great,” Farbauti said. “That’s all. Go back upstairs.” She waved Loki back
into the house and turned back to Thor, smiling sweetly. She didn’t see the
glare that Loki shot at the back of her head, but Thor didn’t miss it. He
couldn’t really blame the kid. “Loki’s never mowed a lawn in his life, so if he
does a bad job, feel free not to pay him,” she said. “And please, if you ever
need anything else, you’re welcome over here any time.”
Her dismissive tone where her son was concerned and the hungry look she was now
turning on Thor were both giving him the creeps. Maybe he was just being
uncharitable, he thought. Maybe he was just predisposed not to like her since
she had moved in and wallpapered over one of his more pleasant childhood
memories.
“Thanks,” he said. “You too.”
It wasn’t until he left that Thor realized he hadn’t told Loki which house he
lived in and Loki hadn’t asked.
***** cutoffs *****
Chapter Notes
     Going away for the weekend, so see you cats on Monday. <3
Savagely, Loki hacked at his too-short pants legs with a pair of dull scissors.
He’d been watching his hot neighbor for the past few days. He watched him get
the mail in a pair of old basketball shorts and flipflops with his hair in a
messy bun; watched him in khakis and a button down hauling groceries in from
the car; watched him grilling burgers in the back yard, his golden hair loose
around his shoulders, wearing a tight red t-shirt that stuck to every dip and
curve of his considerable torso.
Then again, probably every shirt was a tight shirt when it had to stretch
across that mountain of a man.
Last night Loki had nearly had a heart attack when he realized that Hot
Neighbor’s bedroom window was right across from his. The timing had been a
stroke of luck; Loki had been opening his own window when an upstairs light
flicked on in the other house and Thor walked shirtless and dripping into the
room. Loki slammed his blinds down with a clatter and peeped through a crack,
finding himself growing harder with every second as he watched Thor towel
himself off before closing his own curtains. He couldn’t help but rub himself
off afterwards. Jesus, was this going to be his life now? Jacking it to his
neighbor like some peeping tom?
Loki had had a moment of fear when he saw Thor standing at his door this
morning. Maybe he’d caught Loki being a creeper and had come over to yell at
him.
But no, he wanted Loki to mow his lawn? Normally Loki would have laughed at a
suggestion like that, but he needed cash and mowing grass sounded better than
any alternative he could think of. And it also meant he got to talk to Mr.
Pectorals.
But fuck if he was going over there in those embarrassing old jeans, so short
that his bare ankles were winking at the world for everyone to see like some
kind of crappy Victorian porn, so he was cutting them off into shorts.
Short shorts.
They were probably too short, but the scissors were too dull to give him any
degree of accuracy and he had to keep taking more off until they were finally
even.
He tried them on and admired himself in the mirror. Frayed shorts, gray scoop
neck tank top that he had borrowed from Sigyn, black chucks. Not bad. He should
probably put his hair up - he hadn’t lied when he told Thor it was a hot summer
and “bedraggled cat” was not the look he was going for.
It took him way too long to get the messy bun just right, artfully disheveled
without looking sloppy.
Was it one yet?
He sat on the floor in his room listening to music and hosting imaginary
conversations with Thor in his head until he couldn’t stand it anymore. So what
if he was a couple minutes early, it was better than sitting here all jittery.
He checked the hallway for his mom before he bolted for the front door. It
wasn’t worth finding out how she would react to him cutting up his jeans -
she’d probably go on some tirade about disrespecting her possessions until Loki
was ready to throw something. Better just to avoid her if possible. Luckily,
she was engrossed in the computer with her back to him and didn’t turn around
as he slipped out.
Thor was already out in the yard getting the lawnmower set up.
“Loki,” he said. He straightened up and wiped his hands on his pants and smiled
like he was actually happy to see him.
“Hey,” Loki said, affecting nonchalance. Play it cool. No sir, I did not jerk
off to your naked torso last night.
“Have you ever used one of these before?”
“No, but I’m a fast learner.”
“I bet,” Thor said with a wink. What the fuck was that supposed to mean?
Thor showed him how to get the thing started and then gestured towards the
front yard.
“Get that done and then I’ll get you a drink and you can do the back. Just come
in the front door, you don’t need to knock.”
Loki gave him what he hoped was an ironic two-finger salute. “Yessir.”
“Thor.”
“Yessir Thor sir.”
Thor laughed, which Loki took as a good sign.
Loki was drowning in sweat by the time he was half done with the front and he
really wished he had brought a towel or a water bottle or something. The
tendrils of hair he had so carefully arranged earlier were stuck to his face
and he kept exasperatedly pushing them back. He had hoped he’d look hot doing
this, not be hot.
After he’d finished, he cut off the mower and paused at the front door. Thor
had told him to just come in but he felt kind of weird about it. Hesitantly he
touched the knob, almost hoping it would be locked and give him an excuse to
ring the doorbell, but it turned easily in his hand.
“Hello?” he said, sticking his head in the door.
“What do you want?” a gruff voice barked, startling him so much he actually
jumped backwards. An old man leaning on a walker was shuffling around the
corner, glaring at him with one eye; the other was covered by a patch.
“Dad, calm down!” Thor said, hurrying down the stairs. “I’m sorry, Loki. Dad,
this is Loki. Loki, this is Odin, my father.” Then, to Odin, “He’s here to take
care of the lawn.”
The old man was already turning away grumbling to himself which saved Loki the
pain of having to find some way to respond.
“I’m sorry about that,” Thor said apologetically, leading Loki into the
kitchen. “What would you like to drink? I’ve got water, lemonade, soda…”
Loki spied some beer when Thor opened the fridge door. “Beer?” Loki said. Thor
laughed again but Loki wasn’t sure what he found so funny about that.
“How about lemonade,” Thor announced rather than asked, plunking a glass down
on the counter and filling it almost to the brim. Loki watched him as he
poured. His eyes were such a clear blue, and his lashes were so dark and thick
that Loki was jealous; his own never looked like that unless he put mascara on.
Standing here in the kitchen in such close proximity to six and a half feet of
grown man made him feel young and small. He felt suddenly ridiculous in his
tiny shorts. Why on earth had he thought Thor would be impressed by anything
having to do with him?
“Thanks.” Loki hid his face in his glass to cover up his slight fluster.
“So are you going to be a senior next year?” Thor said, seemingly oblivious to
the tension that Loki was feeling.
“No, junior.”
“Ah. So you must be what, 16?”
“Mmmhm.”
Loki wished he could read the expression on Thor’s face. He didn’t want to
stare too much though, and his eyes darted into the other room. It looked like
a living room because it had a couch and a TV, but it also weirdly had a bed
with a railing on it. And also an upright piano.
Thor must have noticed him looking.
“My dad sleeps in there,” Thor said. “He can’t get up the stairs.”
“I was looking at the piano, actually.”
“Oh! Do you play?”
Loki smiled. He loved playing the piano, but he’d never managed to save up
enough for a (much cheaper) keyboard at home, so if he wanted to play at all he
usually had to stay late after school.
“A little,” he said. “Not as much as I’d like. We don’t have one at home.”
“You can play this one if you want,” Thor said.
“Oh no,” Loki said. “I couldn’t possibly -”
“No one here plays it any more,” Thor said. “My mom used to, but she - well.
She died a few years back.”
“Oh.” Loki almost squirmed he was so uncomfortable. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok, you don’t have to feel bad,” Thor said. “It would be really nice to
hear someone play it again though. If you want you can think of it as part of
your payment for helping out with the yard.”
Why was he being so nice? “I still get my twenty dollars though, right?” Loki
said, trying for a lame joke to lighten the air.
Thor laughed again, rich and deep. It was a sound Loki was really starting to
like. “Yeah, you still get your twenty dollars.”
Loki thanked him and finished his lemonade and all but fled into the backyard
to finish his job.
He tried peeking through his blinds again later that night hoping he’d catch
Thor changing. He saw light around the corners of the window, but the curtains
stayed shut.
“Hey Sigyn,” he said, sitting on his floor with his back resting against the
bed and his phone between his feet. “You’ll never guess how I made some cash
today…”
***** barbecue *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Afternoon thunderstorms rolled through almost daily for the next week and a
half. It was always something of a relief after the muggy heat of the day to
have the sky open up and wash the humidity away. Sometimes Thor had the urge to
go stand outside in the rain like he used to do when he was younger, but he
didn’t follow through on it. It seemed like a relic of a younger him, a wilder
one.
Besides, Odin would probably just bitch about him tracking water into the
house.
The grass loved the storms too and it grew like crazy, which meant Loki had to
come over again. And again. Thor couldn’t say he minded, even though he was out
a twenty every time. The kid was smart and funny and seemed like he enjoyed
Thor’s company as much as Thor enjoyed his. He didn’t know what a kid Loki’s
age wanted to do with a boring old person like him, but from what Thor had seen
of Loki’s mom he supposed they were probably both just avoiding their parents,
really. And it was a nice break in the long afternoons for Thor to rest his
eyes from staring at his monitor and get a snack.
It didn’t hurt that Loki was a particularly nice place to rest his eyes.
The third time Loki came over, Thor finally talked him into playing the piano.
Loki had said he played “a little,” which turned out to be a funny way of
saying “like an angel.” His face took on a serious cast as he played, his brows
knit together in concentration, worrying one side of his lower lip between his
teeth. It was kind of adorable, actually. And his long fingers caressed the
keys lovingly, coaxing beauty out of them that Thor hadn’t heard since his mom
had died.
Thor realized he’d come on a bit strong talking about Frigga right off the bat
the first time Loki came over, but her memory truly didn’t pain him anymore. It
was almost a happy ache - of someone you miss but are going to see again - and
not the raw wound that had bled at the slightest touch for the first few years
after her death. He’d noticed Loki’s discomfort though and he’d been kicking
himself ever since.
Thor had been talking to Loki like he was a friend, but Loki was sixteen, he
wasn’t an adult, and Thor would do better to remember that.
The gentle melody from the other room stumbled to a halt.
“Ugh, I messed up so much, I’m so out of practice,” Loki complained.
“It sounded great to me,” Thor said from the kitchen. He hadn’t wanted to
hover.
“It wasn’t half bad,” Odin grunted from his spot at the kitchen table.
“That’s the nicest thing he’s said since I moved in here,” Thor whispered
conspiratorially, coming over to stand by Loki’s shoulder and leaning down to
see the title of what he was playing. “He must have really liked it.”
Thor’s mouth was right by Loki’s ear and Thor must have startled him, because
he flinched away.
Thor straightened up, embarrassed. Stupid. He had no idea how to talk to kids,
apparently, even when he was trying. “Looks like the rain is starting early
today. You don’t have to mow in the rain, why don’t you come back tomorrow and
finish the back?”
“Ok,” Loki said and started gathering up his music, and Thor wasn’t sure if he
was imagining Loki looking uncomfortable or not. It wouldn’t be surprising the
way he had practically breathed down the poor kid’s neck just now.
“Oh hey,” Thor said, remembering something, and Loki turned back to look at him
with a hand on the door and one delicate eyebrow lifted expectantly. “I wanted
to have a barbecue on Saturday, invite some of my old neighbors. You and your
mom are invited too.”
“We’re not your old neighbors,” Loki said, and mercifully the uncomfortable
look had faded and he had on half a grin.
“Well you know, new neighbor, I need to vet you, decide if you get to become an
old neighbor,” Thor said, smiling back. He liked these little flashes of
cheekiness. It made him feel like maybe he wasn’t being as much of a weird old
guy as he was afraid of.
Saturday dawned slightly overcast but the weather guy claimed the chance of
rain was zero percent. Thor set out coolers of ice and filled them with soda
and beer, poured chips and pretzels into bowls, cut up watermelon. Odin
shuffled out with a death grip on Thor’s arm and Thor got him ensconced in a
deluxe folding chair with a cup holder.
“It looks like rain,” Odin said.
“I’ve told you ten times already, dad, there’s not supposed to be any rain
today.”
“Bah. I still say it looks like rain.”
People started wandering over. Rob Vance commandeered the grill just like Thor
knew he would and he happily left him in charge of burning all the burgers and
hot dogs.
It was nice to see the old neighborhood back together again, but also strange.
Thor hadn’t really been back here in a decade, and just as prominent as the
aging faces of people he remembered were the empty places left by people he
would likely never see again. It wasn’t all melancholy though; there were a
handful of kids under the age of ten running around, shrieking with laughter, a
cheerful reminder of the torch passing to the next generation.
Speaking of the next generation, by the time he was a drink or five in, Loki
and Farbauti finally made an appearance - Loki with his hands shoved sullenly
into the pockets of his cutoffs (seriously, were all the kids wearing such
short shorts these days? It was impossible to keep up with all the changing
fashion) and Farbauti with that predatory gleam in her eye.
“Let me get you guys something to drink,” Thor said.
“Beer?” Loki said hopefully, like he had in Thor’s kitchen that first day, and
his mom elbowed him in the ribs.
Thor felt pity swell in his chest. “I’ll get you a soda,” he said at a normal
volume, then as he brushed past Loki and meant only for Loki’s ears - “find me
later.”
The look Loki shot him was intense and unreadable.
Ok, yeah, it was a dumb idea. But he remembered being sixteen and he felt bad
for the poor kid. Beer was probably the least bad thing he could be getting
into right now. And Thor would keep an eye on him.
He got Loki a soda and kept making the rounds of the guests, one eye on his
dad, beer in hand, until twenty minutes later Loki stole up beside him.
“I think I got rid of her for a little bit,” he murmured, nodding towards where
Farbauti was laughing with a group of people.
Thor gave him a wink.
“Excuse me for a minute,” he said, begging out of his current conversation. “I
need to show this young gentleman the bathroom.”
He led Loki inside and passed him a beer out of the fridge.
“Drink it in here,” he said, “and don’t tell anyone.”
“Why the hell would I do that?” Loki grinned.
Thor squeezed his shoulder affectionately and went back outside. Loki followed
a few minutes later in a noticeably better mood. He seemed to be wherever Thor
was for the next hour. Thor didn’t mind; there were no other kids his age
there, and hanging out with his mom was probably the last thing he wanted to
do. Loki didn’t say much, but then again there probably wasn’t much he could
add to conversations about child rearing and taxes and car maintenance.
People started to trickle home and Thor stood with his hands on his hips
surveying the wreckage.
“Let’s get you inside, dad,” he said, helping Odin heave to his feet.
When he came back out only Loki was left, standing in the middle of the yard
with his waterfall of black hair tumbling past his shoulders and his white t-
shirt practically glowing in the rapidly fading light, one arm across his
chest.
“I could help you clean up,” Loki offered.
Thor’s head was a little swimmy from the beer and the warm afternoon and the
whirlwind of people.
“I’d appreciate that. Where’s your mom?”
Loki shrugged. “She went home.”
Together they erased the remaining traces of the party, throwing out disposable
dishes and half eaten burgers, folding up plastic tablecloths, bringing
servingware back inside. Full darkness had fallen by the time they were done.
Loki seemed like he was still trying to linger.
“Looks like it’s just this left,” Thor said, kicking one of the coolers. Then,
giving in to a sudden impulse, “Wanna stay a little bit longer and have another
drink?”
Loki smiled, wide and artless.
“Yeah, I’d like that.”
Chapter End Notes
     Loki is playing "Gone"_by_Jim_Chappell, which incidentally I loved to
     play when I was his age. ;)
***** starlight chitchat *****
“I’m glad you made it over today,” Thor said, sitting on the edge of the patio.
He pushed his shoes off and stuck his bare feet in the cool grass. Loki did the
same.
“I almost didn’t,” Loki said, taking a swig of his beer. The ice in the cooler
had melted enough that it wasn’t really cold any more, but he wasn’t going to
complain about it.
“What happened?”
“I got in an argument with my mom,” Loki said. He would have left it there but
-
“What about?”
Loki sighed and touched the frayed edge of his shorts. “She didn’t take very
kindly to me cutting up my pants. I think one of her exact phrases was that I
was, and I quote, a disrespectful brat who she can’t wait to kick out when I
turn eighteen.”
Thor blew out a long breath beside him and Loki gulped down half his bottle at
once. Fuck.
“Does she say stuff like that a lot?” Thor said finally.
“Yeah.” Loki clenched his knees together, staring at the knobby bones. Stupid
kid legs. “We don’t get along very well.”
“I didn’t get along with my old man when I was your age either,” Thor said. “I
still don’t, actually.”
“Really? Then why are you taking care of him?”
Thor huffed a little laugh. “I ask myself that question almost daily. To be
fair, when I was your age I was a real shithead, so maybe I feel like I owe
him.”
Loki giggled and drained the rest of his bottle. Thor had intimidated him so
much the first time he’d come over here, but he was so easy going and friendly
that it was getting easier and easier to talk to him.
Although right now he was sitting so close that Loki could smell his cologne or
shampoo or deodorant or something - his frigging essence, maybe - and damn it
smelled good; he just wanted to push his face into Thor’s chest and rub his
nose in it like a cat. It was making him feel a little unsettled.
“What’s so funny?” Thor asked.
“I’ve just never heard you curse before. I thought it was, like, beneath you or
something.”
“Shit,” Thor said. “Ass. Fuck.”
Loki giggled again and waved his empty bottle. “Can I get another?”
“I probably shouldn’t…” Thor said.
Loki tried to turn the puppy dog eyes on. “Pleeease?”
“You’re a bad influence,” Thor laughed, getting him another beer from the
cooler.
Loki snorted. “Ok, which one of us is supposed to be the responsible party
here? I think you’re corrupting me, not the other way around.”
“Let me tell you a secret,” Thor said, leaning back on his elbows and crossing
his ankles. “There’s no such thing as a grownup. We’re all still teenagers,
it’s just that our bodies have aged a little bit.”
“Oh yeah? And how much has yours aged, exactly?”
Thor laughed and chased it with another gulp of beer. “You trying to figure out
how old I am?”
“Maybe. Yeah.”
“I’m thirty-two.”
The hilarity of it suddenly struck Loki and he burst out laughing.
“What? God, I know I’m old but I’m not that old -”
“No, it’s just - you’re twice my age and twice my size,” Loki said. “You’re
literally me, doubled. Double me.” He laughed again.
“You’re drunk,” Thor said. “And it’s my fault. Shit.”
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Loki wheezed. “This isn’t the first time I’ve had
alcohol, you know.”
They lapsed into companionable silence for a minute. Loki was super aware of
Thor’s breathing next to him, the warmth radiating off his body. He remembered
the way Thor had whispered “find me later” and a tingle ran down his spine. Not
for the first time, he wondered what Thor’s dick would be like. Long, short,
curved? There was no way it wasn’t thick...
Thor broke the silence first. “Hey,” he said, voice somber. “Did you mean it
before that your mom threatens to kick you out a lot?”
Hah. Obviously they had been thinking about very different things.
“Yeah, why?”
“It’s just...if she actually does, or if you ever need help or anything...I
just wanted you to know you can come over here. No questions asked.”
Oh.
Loki couldn’t make a sound through the sudden lump in his throat.
“I remember being your age and...I just remember, ok? I know what it’s like.
You’re a good kid, you should have someone on your side.”
Thor leaned over and reached across him and for one mad second Loki thought
that Thor meant to kiss him. Hope and excitement and fear all bubbled together
in his chest. But Thor was only grabbing the empty bottles on the other side of
Loki. His arm skimmed over Loki’s chest as he pulled back and Loki shivered.
Stupid.
Of course Thor wasn’t trying to kiss him.
He couldn’t help the stab of disappointment though.
“Thanks,” Loki said, finally finding his voice. “Thank you. For the offer.”
“Are you cold?”
“Hm?”
“You shivered.”
“Oh, I -”
But Thor was already disappearing inside with the empty bottles and he came out
a moment later with a light jacket that he draped over Loki’s shoulders.
Loki pulled it closed and Thor’s scent wafted over him. And ok, there was the
boner he had been trying to suppress all night. At least Thor’s jacket was
roomy enough that he could hide it.
Everything was suddenly a lot.
It hit him in waves.
First, the sheer overwhelming physical attraction he felt for Thor, the way his
body practically vibrated with desire whenever they were near each other.
Second, Thor’s casual niceness, like being nice to Loki was the easiest thing
in the world; like he enjoyed Loki’s company and wasn’t counting the minutes
until he could send the annoying kid away. It was so far from the casual scorn
he received at home and school that he didn’t even know how to react to it.
Third, his mother’s face as she belittled and berated him for his latest tiny
infraction, or ignored him completely and pretended like he didn’t exist; but
then here came Thor, talking to Loki like he was a person, offering his own
home to Loki just like that, voluntarily. And then he got Loki a jacket just
because he thought he might be cold, like he actually gave a shit about it,
about him.
Loki wanted to curl into a ball and weep. And then he wanted to climb into
Thor’s lap and feel those big arms around his waist and ride him until the sun
came up. Possibly while weeping. It was a little muddled right now.
He needed to get out of here.
“You alright?” Thor asked, and he sounded concerned, and that made Loki want to
cry too.
“Yeah. I’m fine. I should probably get home though.” Loki managed to control
the tremor that wanted to sneak into his voice. Thank god for small miracles.
He started to pull Thor’s jacket off, but Thor put one hand on his arm, massive
and warm and gentle.
“You can wear it home.”
Loki clenched his jaw for a second so his teeth wouldn’t chatter from nerves,
although maybe he could pass it off as being cold. Thor’s hand was on his arm,
and he was going to wear Thor’s jacket home like a girl at the prom. “Ok.
Thanks for the beer,” Loki said and mentally patted himself on the back; he’d
kept his voice nice and casual, not freaking out at all.
“Hey, don’t forget what I said. If you ever need anything, you call me, ok?”
Thor smiled at him and squeezed his shoulder again the way he had in the
kitchen - the way that had made Loki’s stomach flip - and it flipped again this
time. Move your hand higher, he wanted to say, touch my cheek, and I’ll kiss
your palm, and everything will be perfect.
“Ok.” He smiled what he hoped was a normal looking smile. “I will.” He wondered
what Thor would do if Loki actually did try to kiss him. Would he laugh? Get
angry? Worse, would his smile turn into pity instead?
“Have a good night,” Thor said.
“See you tomorrow, maybe?” Loki cursed himself for sounding so desperate.
“I think the grass is ok for now. You trying to bleed me dry?” Thor teased.
“I mean...maybe...I could just come over? And play the piano maybe?”
“Sure,” Thor said. “I’d like that. Maybe.”
Loki stuck his tongue out at him and Thor laughed.
He let himself quietly into the house and made it up to his room in the dark by
feel. Thor’s jacket he hung carefully in his closet. When he peeked out the
window Thor was still sitting there in his backyard drinking another beer. By
himself.
It suddenly struck him that in all his watching of Thor over the past few weeks
that he’d never seen anyone else come over to the house and that it seemed like
Thor rarely left it either.
Maybe Thor was lonely too?
He tapped on the window and Thor jerked his head up, but when he saw Loki
waving he smiled. Some drunken instinct had Loki blowing him a kiss before he
realized what he was doing, and he wanted to die of mortification immediately,
but Thor put his hand up and pretended to catch it and then pressed his hand to
his chest. Warmth bloomed on Loki’s cheeks and he slammed the blinds shut.
Maybe this wasn’t completely one sided. Maybe…
He took himself in his hand and came to the memory of Thor breathing “find me
later” in his ear.
***** samsara *****
Most of Thor’s days blurred together in endless repetition.
Wake up. Stare at the crack in the ceiling and think, I should really do
something about that. Stump downstairs, trying to work out the stiffness in his
feet that always seemed to settle in overnight. Get the coffeepot going. “Good
morning, dad” - “Grumble mumble.” Give Odin his forearms to grab onto and hoist
himself to a sitting position. Drink coffee while listening to Odin clear his
throat and blow his nose and cough for twenty straight minutes while bitching
about the coffee and breakfast and the neighbors and his sinuses and the damn
squirrels in the yard and anything else his brain decides to latch onto that
morning. Make sure Odin takes his morning meds.
Take Odin to the bathroom. Help him wipe his ass, help him get dressed. Get him
set up on the recliner in the living room. Go upstairs to work. Stare at
monitor. Really stare. Lots of email, easy clients, friendly clients, annoying
clients, clients that made him lose faith in humanity and want to tear his hair
out. Draw. Draw draw draw. Go downstairs and help Odin on the toilet again.
Slap together some sandwiches while listening to him cough and hack and grunt.
“You gotta eat, dad” - “I’m not hungry” - “But you have to eat” - “I have no
appetite” - “Please, for me” - “Maybe later” - there was never a later. Make
sure Odin takes his afternoon meds.
More email. More drawing. Scheduling doctor’s appointments. Odin yelling at him
from downstairs to come help with something or another.
Go to the grocery store or the post office or whatever else that needs to get
done that day. Cook dinner while listening to Odin cough and cough and - “Can’t
they give me a pill for this?” - “Dad, you smoked for fifty years, nothing is
going to make you stop coughing” - “But there should be some kind of pill” -
“Pills can’t fix everything” - “What the hell do I pay these doctors for
anyway?” - “To keep you alive?” - “That’s enough sass out of you. When are you
getting a damn haircut?” Make sure Odin takes his evening meds.
Wipe Odin’s ass. Again. Get him into his pjs and lying down in bed.
Drink beer while staring at the kitchen wall and contemplating his miserable
existence.
Go to bed.
Wake up. Stare at the crack in the ceiling. Coffee and coughing and bitching
and ass wiping and pills and more coughing and more bitching. A doctor’s
appointment - “Thor, your father is losing weight” - “I know but I can’t make
him eat” - “They make these milkshakes now…”
Wake up. Stay in bed ten extra minutes just...because. Coughing and coughing
and coughing. “Can’t they give me a pill for this?” Beer.
Wake up.
Loki’s visits were a bright spot in the monotony. It was almost embarrassing
how much Thor looked forward to him coming over. He found himself starting to
make up excuses to get Loki to visit - he needed to get his jacket back, Loki
had left something at his place, the grass needed attention (no it didn’t).
It was probably completely inappropriate. Well, scratch that. Definitely
completely inappropriate. He was old enough to be Loki’s dad, almost.
Once he went over and knocked on Loki’s door and Loki was out with a friend.
Thor was surprised at the crushing sense of disappointment he felt that Loki
wouldn’t be able to come over and fill his kitchen with snarky chatter. And
underneath it, a feeling that he didn’t want to examine too closely - a brief
stab of jealousy that Loki was hanging out with someone else.
But Loki couldn’t be at Thor’s house all the time, and when Loki wasn’t there,
Thor found himself sliding slowly from apathy into anger.
At first he had been able to just hunker down and let the monotony and his
dad’s disrespect roll off his back. It was all just temporary, he told himself.
He could deal with anything for a few months. Odin was just cranky because he
felt like shit, but surely he would grow to appreciate Thor’s help.
Only it had been well over a month now and Odin was, if anything, ruder.
And the coughing. Jesus. It was driving him up the fucking wall.
Thor started playing music while he worked just so he could try to drown out
the sound of hacking coming from downstairs. It got to the point that every
time Odin took a breath to dredge a cough up from his diseased lungs, Thor
found his nostrils flaring and his hand curling into a fist.
Just have a beer and calm down.
He was definitely drinking too much.
“Look, dad,” he said one afternoon. “I got you some of these shakes to try.
That way if you don’t feel like eating you can still get some nutrition.”
“I don’t like milkshakes.” Odin was sitting with his hands folded on the
kitchen table, glaring at him with his one good eye.
Deep breath. Count to five.
“The doctor said you need to get more calories. Just try it, please. It’s
chocolate. You like chocolate.”
“How do you know what I like? Do you live in my tastebuds?”
“You’re losing too much weight,” Thor tried again, starting to lose patience.
“You have to eat something.”
“Yeah, says the people who can’t even fix a stupid cough. What do they know?”
Thor pinched his nose and ground his teeth.
Odin put one hand up to his mouth and drew in a long wet sounding breath and
coughed, loud and deep.
Suddenly furious, Thor hit the table as hard as he could with the flat of his
hand, rattling their coffee cups and knocking a stack of magazines over, before
getting up and stalking into the other room.
“There’s some respect for you!” Odin called after him. “My grown son, throwing
a temper tantrum like a little boy!”
“Don’t you even -” Thor came back to stand in the archway between the kitchen
and the living room. The rage that had been building threatened to spill over.
He wanted to hit something or scream, show Odin what a real tantrum looked
like. “Do you have any idea what it’s like being here? Do you?” He felt a vein
in his neck throbbing. “Have you said ‘thank you’ even once? I bust my ass day
in and day out -”
“Dintme youch sapoint,” Odin said. “I whay didid.”
Thor’s stomach dropped. “Dad?”
Odin looked around, confused.
“Whapengon.”
Shit. Was his mouth drooping? Shit.
With shaking hands, Thor snatched the phone off the cradle and dialed 911.
“Hi, I think my dad is having a stroke, can you send an ambulance?”
***** friendship *****
Sigyn’s car pulled into the driveway right on time and she hopped out,
effortlessly cool in her black jeans and leather jacket despite the heat, her
backpack hanging off her shoulder by one strap. Loki was opening the door for
her before she was even halfway up the front walk.
“Loki-doki!” she grinned, holding her hand up. Loki grinned back and pressed
their palms together, interlacing their fingers, before pulling her into a one-
armed hug.
They went into the kitchen to grab some snacks before heading upstairs to
Loki’s room.
Farbauti was sitting on the computer in the living room, like usual, her back
to them, but she twisted around when she heard them start to go up the stairs.
“You’d better leave the door open up there,” she warned. “No funny business.
When I come up there to look I want to see all four hands at all times, you got
it?”
“Yes, mom,” Loki said. He wanted to roll his eyes so hard, but he restrained
himself.
“Sure thing, Mrs. Jarlson,” Sigyn said, holding up three fingers. “Scout’s
honor.”
“Yeah, I bet,” Farbauti muttered and turned back around.
“What does she do on that thing all day anyway?” Sigyn asked quietly when they
were out of earshot.
Loki shrugged. “Online gambling, mostly. She also chats with a bunch of fucking
weirdos. She thinks I’m too stupid to know anything about computers so she
doesn’t know I can track her internet history. And she leaves her stuff logged
in all the time.”
Sigyn snort laughed. “Man, you could really have some fun with that.”
“Yeah, but is it worth the fallout?”
“You’ve got a point there.”
They traipsed into Loki’s room. It was almost cave-like the way he’d covered
his walls in music posters, everything from classical stuff to metal bands, and
his ceiling was speckled with glow-in-the-dark stars that he’d tried to arrange
in the shape of actual constellations. A small stereo that he’d won in a school
raffle sat on his dresser along with a book of CDs that were a combination of
stuff he’d saved up for and stuff that Sigyn had burned for him.
His bed was incongruously covered in an old-fashioned looking crocheted
blanket, but his grandmother had made it for him by hand before the dementia
had made her forget all their names. Farbauti kept trying to take it off his
bed, but Loki dug it back out of the closet every time. The room wasn’t big,
but it was Loki’s refuge, his sanctuary, one of the few places he felt like he
had any say. It always felt weird leaving the door open when he had Sigyn over.
It made him feel exposed.
Sigyn shrugged her jacket off and kicked her boots into the corner of Loki’s
room and sat on the floor.
“Hand check,” she said sarcastically. “Oh look, here are both of mine, in my
own lap. Your mom does know you’re gay, doesn’t she?”
“I have no idea, I haven’t told her,” Loki said, flopping on his bed. “I don’t
think she’d care, but she’d probably accuse me of trying to be an attention
whore or something.” He raised his voice to a falsetto. “Oh you just have to be
the special one all the time, don’t you, always want all the attention on
yourself, no consideration for others at alllllllll.”
“Shhh shhh I hear her on the stairs,” Sigyn hissed.
They heard Farbauti’s footsteps in the hallway and saw her shadow on the wall
before her head poked in the doorway.
Sigyn smiled really widely and waved and Farbauti pursed her lips and made a
“hmmf” noise before turning around and going back down the stairs.
“Oh my god, don’t antagonize her like that,” Loki said in a hushed tone. “She’s
bad enough already.”
“She didn’t seem that antagonized to me.”
“Yeah, well she tries to put on a good face when other people are around.”
“That’s her good face?”
“...Yeah.”
“Loki my darling, I think you might need to run away from home.”
“Don’t tempt me,” Loki groaned. “Let’s stop talking about my mom. What are you
working on right now?”
“Ah!” Sigyn dragged her backpack over and pulled out her sketchbook. “I’ve been
drawing this one all week but I’m not happy with it and I’m not quite sure why
or how to fix it…”
Loki came to sit next to her on the floor and together they flipped through
pages and pages of still lifes and portrait studies until they got to the last
one, a stylized self-portrait of Sigyn partially covering her face with one
ring-bedecked hand.
“Well I think it looks really good,” Loki said. “I really like that ring right
there, and the way you did your hand is awesome.”
“Yeah, but my eye is all wrong, look it at.”
“You know,” Loki mused, “Thor could maybe help you, he does art stuff for a
living.”
“Thor?”
“Oh, the hot Viking neighbor guy.”
“Thor? You guys are on a first-name basis now?” Sigyn tossed the sketchbook
aside and scooted around to face Loki. “Tell me everything.”
“Well...you already know I’ve been cutting his grass…”
“You doing manual labor is still the most shocking thing I’ve ever heard in my
life.”
“Shut up! And he lets me play his piano sometimes…”
“Oh my god,” Sigyn breathed.
“And he invited me to his barbecue and let me stay over for some beer with him
afterwards…”
“Shut up,” Sigyn said, punching his arm. “Really?”
Loki felt a pleased little squirm in his stomach at the memory. “Really.”
“Is he nice? Is he hotter in person? Oh my god, did you get to feel his
muscles? Is he into guys or girls? He let you drink beer with him?”
“Too many questions!” Loki laughed. “Yes, he’s nice. He’s...really nice.”
“You have a cru-ush!” Sigyn sing-songed. “Oh my god, you’re blushing! You do
have a crush!”
“Maybe a little,” Loki admitted.
“Did you guys kiss??”
“No, god, he’s like...thirty-two. I don’t even know if he likes guys. He
probably thinks I’m just some dumb kid.”
“But he let you drink with him.”
“I don’t know, ok? I’m just going with the flow here. And if the flow happens
to lead to either of our pants coming off I’m not gonna complain about it...”
“I want full field reports from here on out, soldier,” Sigyn said in a mock
gruff voice. “And if it turns out he’s straight maybe you could toss him my
way.”
“Hah, you wish!”
They hung out for a couple more hours, drawing and listening to music and
giving each other shit. Loki was in a fantastic mood. It was still summer break
and he didn’t have that feeling that he was procrastinating schoolwork or that
he was about to fail a test; he was hanging out with his best friend; and next
door, his absurdly hot neighbor seemed to enjoy spending time with him.
Well, it would be great if his absurdly hot neighbor would enjoy spending naked
time with him, but Loki was trying not to be greedy; he’d take what he could
get.
It would be hard for things to get much better.
“What’s that flashing?” Sigyn said, getting off the floor to look through the
blinds.
“What flashing?” Loki asked, joining her.
An ambulance was parked in the street in front of Thor’s house.
Oh. Shit.
***** burnt coffee *****
Thor drove home from the hospital in a fugue state. One minute he was unlocking
the driver’s side door in the hospital parking lot and the next he was at his
house, with no recollection of how he actually got there.
It was late. The coffee pot was still on and the coffee had evaporated away to
nothing but an acrid smelling brown ring. Mechanically, Thor unplugged the
machine and filled the pot with water and put it in the sink to soak, then
tidied up the piles of magazines he had knocked onto the floor what seemed an
eon ago. He sat down at the kitchen table and pillowed his head on his forearms
and fell asleep.
He might have dreamed something, it was hard to say, but he woke with a start a
few hours later in a puddle of drool. Blearily, he tried to focus on the clock
on the wall. Three in the morning.
Somehow he coordinated his limbs enough to stagger upstairs to bed, but he
tossed fitfully for the rest of the night, getting no real rest at all.
The dirty coffee pot stared at him in the morning from the bottom of the sink.
He stared back at it for a minute, then got in the car in his PJs and went to
the McDonald’s drive through.
When he got back home he fumbled the key at the front door and it fell on the
ground. He looked at it for a second, uncomprehending, and then his shoulders
were quaking in a sudden sob.
He snatched the key from the ground and got himself inside and fell against the
door, sliding to the ground.
*

“Your father had a TIA,” the doctor said, a young woman with tired eyes in a
long white coat. “That’s a transient ischemic attack. It’s basically a mini
stroke.”
They were standing in the hallway. It felt too brightly lit for such an hour.
“What does that mean?” Thor asked.
“He had all the symptoms of a stroke, but only for a few minutes. He’s fine
now, but the risk of having a full-blown stroke within the next few days is
high, so we’d like to keep him for observation.”
“Will his insurance cover it?”
“You’ll have to talk to medical billing.”
“Is he going to be ok?”
“He’s perfectly fine right now, but as I said, the risk of a full blown stroke
can’t be downplayed. And even if he doesn’t have one, you can probably expect
more TIAs.”
“How can I know the difference between a-a...mini stroke and a real stroke?”
Her eyes softened.
“You can’t. You’ll have to come back here every time.”
“Shit. Sorry for saying shit.”
“That’s perfectly ok, Mr. Borsson. If he seems stable after a few days we’ll
discuss medical management of his condition for the future, diet and exercise
and possibly blood thinners.”
If. If he seems stable. If he’s not dead or paralyzed from an actual stroke.
Thor felt like he would vomit.
“Thank you,” he said.
“Go home. Get some rest. It’s been a long day for both of you.”
*
Thor didn’t even know what he did for the rest of the day. He might have eaten
something. He definitely spent some time responding to emails. But somehow that
didn’t seem like enough to take up the hours that passed before there was a
gentle rapping at the front door.
Thinking it was probably a Jehovah’s Witness or something, Thor was inclined to
ignore it. But then the rapping came again, more insistent, and he heard a
muffled voice through the door.
“Thor?”
His mind snapped back into his body from where it had been wandering in the
ether all day.
He swung the door open. “Hey,” he said, not having to fake the smile that came
to his face.
“Hey,” Loki said. “I come bearing cookies?” He kind of wiggled the plate he was
holding, stiff paper chinette piled high with chocolate chip cookies and
covered messily in plastic wrap.
“Come in,” Thor said, waving him inside. He hadn’t realized how much he missed
Loki’s sweet little face. Suddenly he realized he had reached his hand up to
guide the small of Loki’s back and he snatched it down.
Not appropriate.
“Are you ok?” Loki said, going to the kitchen and setting the plate on the
counter. “I saw the ambulance yesterday and I got really worried…”
“I’m ok,” Thor said. He shoved his hands in his pockets. “It was my dad.”
“Is he ok?”
“As ok as he can be,” Thor said. He didn’t want to burden Loki with the grisly
specifics.
“I baked these for you. It’s just from a box mix and I burned them a little,
but I thought...that’s what you do when people get home from the hospital,
right? I thought you might need something to eat…”
Helpless affection for this sweet boy washed over Thor like a tidal wave.
“They’re perfect,” he said. “Thank you. I’ve barely eaten since lunch
yesterday.”
He unwrapped the plate and picked a cookie up. Loki had obviously tried to
scrape the burned bits off the bottom. Thor was touched; he would probably have
found a way to burn water when he was Loki’s age, and he didn’t know if he’d
ever been compassionate enough to want to bake cookies for anyone. And the
gesture was just so thoughtful and sweet. He ate the cookie in two bites.
“Perfect,” he said again.
Loki’s cheeks pinked prettily.
God. He was going to break someone’s heart some day.
“How have you been?” Thor said, trying for normal, trying to distract himself.
“Ok,” Loki said, picking up one of the cookies himself. He flicked crumbs off
of it with one thumbnail. “My mom is getting on my nerves.”
“Well, to be fair, I’m pretty sure that’s part of the mom job description.”
Loki made a face. “I get it though.”
“She even gets weird about me having my friend over, like we’re gonna do
something up in my room or something.” He rolled his eyes.
“Well, also to be fair, that’s mostly what 16-year-olds do,” Thor said.
“Is that what you did when you were 16?” Loki was still methodically crumbling
his cookie. “Did you have a lot of girlfriends?”
“No, just the one.”
Loki bit his lip and looked away. Thor wondered what he was trying to get at.
“She was a serious girlfriend, then?”
“Why, do I strike you as someone who gets around?”
“No, you just...seem like you’d be popular. You know.”
“Yeah, she was serious.”
This whole conversation was strange, and Loki was dredging up memories that
Thor would rather not be thinking about right now. Jane and her thousand-watt
smile. Their clueless high school fumbling in the back of his dad’s car. Their
ill-fated engagement, just another failure to add to the list of reasons why
Odin was disappointed in him…
Shit. Odin. He needed to go to the hospital today before visiting hours were
over.
“Why did you break up?”
“It just didn’t work out.”
“Have you dated anyone else?”
“Fuck, Loki, what’s with the twenty questions?” His tone was a lot harsher than
he’d intended, a bark practically, and Loki jerked away slightly.
“Sorry, I...sorry. I’ll go.”
He hid his face behind the long dark curtain of his hair and tried to push past
Thor to the front door.
Thor was still irritated, but his eyes fell on that pitiful little plate of
burnt cookies, and then back to the lonely teenager he’d just yelled at for no
good reason, and his heart cracked slightly.
“Wait,” he called out, but Loki’s hand was already on the doorknob. “Wait!”
Thor was on him in a few long strides and he grabbed Loki’s wrist before he
knew what he was doing.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to yell, I’m sorry, I’m just really
stressed out ok, my dad had a stroke, or he might have a stroke, I’m not sure,
and -” Thor paused for breath. Loki’s eyes were locked on him, huge and green.
“I’m just not holding together very well. I’m sorry.”
Loki’s eyes started to fill with tears and he looked down and blinked rapidly.
“I’m sorry,” Thor said again, lamely.
“It’s not that,” Loki sniffled. “I just...I don’t think anyone’s ever yelled at
me before and then apologized to me.”
Thor felt his heart crack a little more. He realized he was still holding
Loki’s wrist and he hauled him into a hug. Loki stiffened in surprise, but then
he was hugging Thor back, pressing his cheek into Thor’s chest and wrapping his
arms under Thor’s.
They stood there for a long wordless minute.
It felt achingly good, just holding someone and having them hold him back. Thor
couldn’t remember the last time he had simply touched someone like this. And
Loki fit in his arms so perfectly. He didn’t want to let go.
But he had to, and he did, and Loki smiled and scrubbed at his face.
“Thank you for the cookies,” Thor said. He put one hand up to lean on the
doorframe, but the other stayed clasped loosely around Loki’s wrist. “I do have
to go now, because I need to get back to the hospital, but don’t be a stranger,
ok?”
“Ok.”
Loki tugged at the hand Thor was holding and Thor sheepishly let go.
“Sorry,” he said again.
“Don’t be sorry,” Loki said in a low voice.
Thor watched him walk back over to his house. Loki paused at his own front door
and looked back and Thor waved. The boy’s face broke into a smile, and he
tucked his hair behind his ear and waved back before going inside.
A funny feeling constricted Thor’s heart. He was starting to get the inkling
that he might be in trouble.
***** gaslighting *****
Loki felt on fire. It burned inside his chest, a restless smolder, driving him
to movement and irritability and recklessness. He couldn’t sit still but there
was nothing to do. Briefly he thought about going for a run, but he never ran,
and the thought of his mom’s inevitable interrogation was enough to keep him
from it.
He’d call Sigyn, but his mom was on the internet. He’d listen to music, but
that was far too static an activity. If he sat in his room for so long he was
afraid he might tear the rug up in frustration, or pace a hole in the floor,
or…
He looked out the window over to Thor’s house and watched the car pull out of
the driveway. Thor, leaving to go visit his dad in the hospital.
Loki felt vaguely sick and guilty and practically dizzy with...with what? He
didn’t even know the name of it. Some kind of nebulous...anticipation. And
something else.
He had been so relieved when it turned out the ambulance had been for Odin and
not Thor. That was where the guilt was coming from; that for a few minutes
before he’d gotten ahold of himself, he had been fucking elated that it was the
old man that had gone to the hospital. It wasn’t Thor, Thor was ok, and Odin
was old and was going to die anyway, and Jesus that was a shitty thing to
think.
When he closed his eyes he could still feel the way Thor’s hand felt on his
wrist. It had been so big and warm, calloused, definitely a man’s hand, not a
boy’s. Goosebumps prickled along his arms at the memory, and his stomach pulled
tight into a little knot.
And Thor had hugged him, and then, the craziest part, he had let Loki hug him
back.
Oh, he was going to be replaying that hug for the rest of his life, he was sure
of it. The way Thor had apologized - to Loki of all people, like he was even
worth apologizing to - and then reeled him in helplessly. How it felt to push
himself against that impossibly sculpted chest, those arms wrapped tight around
him. Thor’s scent filling his nostrils, the same one he had memorized from the
three days that jacket had hung in his closet. For that one stretched-out
moment the rest of the world had melted away and only the two of them existed.
It had been so amazing he’d even forgotten to be embarrassed about crying.
He wanted it to happen again. And again. Wanted to just fling himself into
Thor’s arms and not let go.
But he was pretty sure Thor was straight. Probably. How could he not be. He’d
had a girlfriend (probably lots of girlfriends).
Besides, Loki was just a dumb kid. Even if Thor wasn’t straight he wouldn’t go
for some dumb kid.
But that hug.
Loki kicked his dresser and then flopped facedown on his bed and screamed into
a pillow.
Over a fucking hug.
God, he was a mess.
*
Loki took a long time getting ready the next morning. Showering, shaving (ok
there wasn’t much there yet, but still it needed to be done), plucking his
eyebrows, styling his hair, touching up his nails. The clothes didn’t matter so
much; Sigyn was going to bring the good stuff.
He bounced down the stairs in a better mood than usual to cram a waffle in his
face before Sigyn showed up.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Farbauti said casually. She was sitting at
the kitchen table doing a crossword puzzle. It wasn’t even a hard one, just one
of those dumb celebrity ones in the back of a gossip mag.
Oh no. Nuh-uh.
“To the concert,” Loki said. “The one I told you about like three weeks ago.”
“I don’t think so.”
“You don’t have to drive me,” Loki said desperately. “I already got a ride.” It
wasn’t a big concert or anything, it was just Sigyn’s cousin’s band, but they
were kinda locally famous and it was supposed to be the kickoff concert for all
the new stuff they’d been working on. There was going to be music, and fun, and
people, and probably illicit substances, but Loki didn’t care so much about
getting wasted as just...getting out of his head for a day. Away from home, and
this, and his extremely confusing neighbor.
“That girl?” The word dripped scorn and Loki felt himself start to get angry.
“Yeah, Sigyn. My friend.”
Farbauti made a tutting noise and filled in a blank in her crossword.
“Maybe you forgot that you were supposed to mow the lawn before you went.”
“What?” Ok, this was a new one. Loki had never mowed their lawn in his life.
Farbauti always paid some fancy lawn service to do it, the same way she paid
for fancy new bathroom remodels and paid for someone to design drapes for their
living room.
“The lawn,” she said again, as though it were obvious and he was a small stupid
child. “I explicitly told you you weren’t going anywhere until you mowed it.”
“No you didn’t.” She made him feel like he was crazy sometimes. She hadn’t
mentioned it, had she? Yeah, Loki had been kinda wrapped up in daydreaming
about Thor lately, but he didn’t remember her telling him to mow even once, and
he wouldn’t sabotage himself going to a concert on purpose. “I’ve never mowed
our lawn before.”
“Mm, I see. So you can mow the neighbor’s lawn but not your own mother’s?”
“I...can I do it now?”
“Oh, you don’t have enough time,” she said. She hadn’t even looked at him once.
Loki wanted to rip the sink out of the wall and throw it at her. “I think your
friend is going to be here any minute. You’ll just have to tell her to go
without you.”
“This isn’t fair,” Loki said, his voice shaking. “You never told me this.”
“I did.” Her voice was sing-song. Cheery.
“You didn’t.”
Her eyes finally snapped up to him. “Don’t talk back to me. Get your ass
outside and mow. Now.”
The recklessness he’d felt yesterday had never quite left and he felt it
swirling around inside him, rising up.
“What if I don’t?” He felt sick to his stomach. He couldn’t tear his eyes away
from hers.
“You don’t want to find out,” she said. “You really don’t.”
“What if I just get in her car and go?”
“I don’t think you will.”
Loki heard a horn beep from outside, three short bursts and one long. Sigyn was
here. He glared at his mom, stomach roiling, hands shaking. Her eyes followed
him as he stalked to the door.
He still didn’t know what he was going to do. It would be so easy to just open
the car door, jump in and tell Sigyn to drive.
And then he’d feel sick with dread the whole time he was out, and after he got
back...he didn’t even want to think about after he got back.
Maybe he could just leave and not come back at all.
He stopped by the driver’s side of Sigyn’s car and she rolled down the window
and looked at him expectantly.
“Well? Get in.”
He was such a coward.
“I can’t.”
*
Loki wanted to vomit with rage by the time he was done mowing. The thought of
going back inside his house and seeing Farbauti’s smug face filled him with a
crawling sort of disgust. He knew she’d just done this to spite him. It was
obvious she hated him.
But why? Why did she hate her own son?
He was sure he’d never done anything to deserve it. He fucking walked on
eggshells around her.
Maybe it wasn’t something he had done. Maybe it was just something that he was.
He couldn’t go back inside. He couldn’t. Angrily wiping at his eyes, he noticed
that Thor’s car was parked in the driveway. Which meant he was probably home
and not at the hospital. Thor never seemed to mind him coming over. Thor was
always nice to him.
Thor caught his kisses and apologized and hugged him and made him feel like
maybe he wasn’t such a big piece of shit after all.
Making up his mind, Loki abandoned the mower in the middle of the yard - and
he’d get reamed for that, he knew, but right now he didn’t care - and marched
next door.
A little bit of his courage fled with each step he took closer to Thor’s house,
but there was still enough left for him to raise his hand and knock.
And wait.
***** fallen soldiers *****
Thor closed one eye to better focus. Empty beer cans stood before him in a row
on the kitchen table, each a tiny fallen soldier in the war against the guilt
that threatened to choke him. He was trying to count them, but the numbers kept
slipping through the jumble of his brain.
He’d visited the hospital this morning and just seeing Odin looking so small
and insignificant in his dingy gown and dingy bed had almost driven him from
the room screaming. Thor had put him there. He was as bad of a son as the old
man had always said he was and he couldn’t even take care of his own dad
without yelling at him and upsetting him to the point of a stroke.
And Thor yelled at little boys, too, apparently, until they cried. And then he
hugged them. And…
God, what he would give to see Loki’s sweet face right now.
He was so fucked.
He drained the rest of the beer that was in front of him and put his head down
on his arms and closed his eyes for a minute. Or maybe it was an hour. It was
impossible to say.
Knock-knock-knock
Pause.
More insistent. Knock-knock-knock-knock
He swam back into consciousness. Wiped some drool from the side of his face,
then looked at his hand with furrowed brows like he was surprised it was wet.
KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK
“Come...I’m coming,” he got out. “Coming. Hold on.”
It was Loki. Of course it was Loki. The door swung open on his determined,
angry, lovely, dear face and Thor almost started crying.
“You shouldn’t be here right now,” Thor said before Loki could even open his
mouth, trying very hard to enunciate his words and not slur them.
Loki took a step back, his face as stunned looking as if Thor had slapped him.
“What? Why?”
“I’m not…” Thor groped for words through the alcohol-soaked haze. “I’m not in a
good way. Right now.”
“You don’t want to see me?” It looked like Loki might cry now and Thor’s heart
clenched.
“No, I always - always want to see you. That’s the problem.” Shit, this was not
going well. He should just close the door and turn around. It would hurt Loki’s
feelings though, and he really didn’t want to do that.
But he should. Even in this state he knew he should. Hurting Loki’s feelings
was better than getting him mixed up in...in this.
Loki looked confused, or at least Thor thought he did, but he didn’t look like
he was about to cry anymore which was some small comfort.
“Why is that a problem?” Loki asked, his eyes searching.
Thor couldn’t find any words he wouldn’t regret so instead he just put his hand
over his face and swayed.
“Are you drunk?”
He nodded.
“Let me come in. Please.”
Thor was past the point of resisting and he let Loki push his way in. Into his
house, into his life, into his…
“Wow that’s a lot of empty cans. Aren’t you supposed to be working today?”
“Yeah,” Thor said miserably, scrubbing his hands through his hair. “Yeah I
was.”
“Are you ok?”
Loki was in his face now, close enough to touch, looking so concerned. And
there was the guilt again, guilt that he was such a slob that a teenager felt
like he had to take care of him instead of the other way around, guilt that he
wanted Loki to take care of him, that he wanted comfort, just wanted someone to
hold him and tell him that he was good and that he’d done his best, even if
none of it was true.
Suddenly he missed his mom so badly that he couldn’t breathe for a minute.
“Thor?”
Loki’s slim hand was cool on his overheated cheek and Thor reached up and
covered it with his own hand before he knew what he was doing.
“I had a really shitty day too,” Loki was saying, his voice slightly uneven.
“Looks like we both did.”
“Yeah.” Thor squeezed his eyes shut so that he wouldn’t do something stupid
like look into Loki’s eyes. Loki was a kid. A really pretty, really sweet,
really caring kid, but a kid nonetheless.
But then Loki’s hands were slipping into his and guiding him into the living
room, pushing him down onto the couch, and the world was such a blur right now
that Thor just let it happen. He let his head fall back against the couch
cushions, let Loki push something cold and wet into his hands.
“Wha -?” He tried to force his eyes back open.
“It’s a water bottle,” Loki said. “Me and Sigyn have been drunk enough times, I
know what to do.”
“Thanks,” Thor muttered, holding it against his cheek. God, this was so
embarrassing.
“You’re supposed to drink it.” Loki’s voice sounded amused. “Are you going to
throw up? Should I get a trash can?”
“No, ‘m…’m ok. I think.”
“You told me that adults are really just teenagers in older bodies and I’m
starting to believe you.”
Thor laughed weakly and tried to focus his eyes again. Loki was standing in
front of him with his hands on his hips.
“You’re all sweaty,” Thor said.
Loki fidgeted. “Sorry, I -”
“No, it’s. Fine. It’s fine. Jesus, I’m sorry. You should go. You don’t need to
see me like this. Or take care of me or -”
“But I want to.” The couch dipped as Loki’s weight settled next to him. “What’s
wrong? Is it your dad?”
Thor felt his face twist. He’d been holding it together pretty well. For a long
time now, actually. He’d been running around patching up all the tiny little
leaks springing up and he’d been doing more than a decent job of it. The
problem was that he’d been so fixated on the leaks he’d lost sight of the big
fucking reservoir that was threatening to burst the dam and wash him away.
But just those few simple little words from Loki brought the whole wall
tumbling down. Suddenly the flood was bearing down on him and he was powerless
to stop it.
He felt himself start to cry, hot fat tears sliding down his cheeks. Loki
looked alarmed, and was it any wonder? Watching a grown man cry like a little
boy.
“Please don’t go,” Thor choked out, suddenly scared that Loki would listen to
his exhortations to leave. He grasped for Loki’s hand and clutched it tightly.
“I’m not,” Loki said, squeezing his hand back.
Thor found himself babbling drunkenly, spilling out all the poison from inside
him, telling Loki about his dad, about the repetitive hell his days had become,
about how he hadn’t known it was possible to love and fear and resent someone
all at once. And Loki held his hand and inched closer and let Thor put his arm
around him, until somehow they ended up with Thor slumped into the corner of
the couch with Loki lying on his chest. He kept running his hand through Loki’s
hair, letting it fall through his fingers in a silken waterfall, and Loki
curled his hand around Thor’s ribs.
He knew he shouldn’t do this, any of this, but it all felt so good he couldn’t
make himself stop. It was like lancing a wound, letting all the corruption run
out to burn off in the light of the sun. And Loki listened and hugged him and
offered him sympathetic noises even though he probably wanted to run for the
hills. Thor’s heart felt full to bursting.
“I’m sorry,” Thor said finally, his grief momentarily spent.
“Don’t be. Your bad day makes mine seem pretty good in comparison,” Loki said
softly, one finger moving hesitantly in little circles.
“It’s not a competition. Tell me about it.”
Thor already knew he didn’t like Farbauti very much, but as Loki told him in
fits and starts about all the shit she put him through, he felt himself start
to hate her. She didn’t deserve to even be in the same room as Loki, much less
have any kind of power over him.
“She hates me,” Loki said thickly. “And I don’t even know why. Am I so bad?”
“No, you’re good,” Thor said, tightening the arm he had around him. “You’re so
good, you don’t even know.”
Loki raised himself up to look Thor in the face and Thor felt something
hopeless steal over him. He had to drop his eyes, look away, huff out a nervous
laugh.
“God,” he heard himself saying, “you’re so beautiful.” He wanted to grab the
words before they had even left his mouth, stuff them back inside.
“You are too,” Loki whispered, his breath ghosting hot across Thor’s face.
Thor stifled a groan and sat up, pushing Loki off of him, putting his head
between his knees.
“We can’t,” he said.
Loki tried to grab his hand again, but he pulled it away. “Why not?” Loki said,
his voice sounding desperate. Thor wanted nothing more in the world than to
pull Loki’s sweetness against him and kiss him senseless.
“We can’t,” he said again, his voice rough in his own ears. “You should go.”
“Thor -”
“I’m drunk. You should go. Now.”
Thor hadn’t looked up yet but he heard the change in Loki’s voice. It was cold
now, distant. Hurt. “Ok. Fine.” He felt Loki get up and start to walk away.
“Wait -”
Thor reached for Loki’s hand and pulled him back, wrapping his arms around
Loki’s waist and pressing his face into his stomach, letting himself have just
a little bit more and hating himself for it.
“It isn’t because I don’t like you,” he said.
“Then what is it?”
Thor didn’t answer, just held him for another minute. Loki’s hands came up and
rested lightly in his hair.
“I don’t know what’s going on,” Loki said softly, unsteadily. “Hot, cold, yes,
no -”
“Neither do I,” Thor half laughed half groaned. “Go, please, before I do
something I regret.”
Loki hesitated.
“Go.” Thor pushed him away.
The look on Loki’s face was unreadable, but he went, the door closing behind
him with a reproachful click.
Thor flopped back onto the couch and covered his eyes with his arm.
He was so fucked.
***** lake house party *****
Chapter Notes
     warning for some homophobic language in this one
Loki spent the next week practically living at either Sigyn’s house or the mall
and avoiding everyone else like the plague.
He usually tried to avoid his mom anyway, but his avoidance had morphed from
simple wary self-preservation into a burgeoning rage; everything she said or
did made him want to scream and punch holes in the wall and throw things. For
as long as he could remember she had been constantly telling him about how she
couldn’t wait until he turned eighteen and she could kick him out, and now he
laid awake in bed at night and imagined taking it into his own hands - running
away, starting a new life somewhere else.
In his fantasy he had a keyboard (don’t ask where he had gotten a keyboard
from) and he played for coins on the streets until some fancy music agent
noticed his untapped talent and whisked him off to a recording studio. And he
had legions of screaming fans and a hot boyfriend and enough fucking money to
buy whatever he wanted, and when the magazines would interview him and ask
about his parents he’d say, “Oh I don’t have any parents. I grew up on the
streets.” And then he’d go home and fuck his hot boyfriend.
Except no matter how hard he tried to imagine this mythical boyfriend as
someone about his age, maybe a couple of years older, skinny and dark and
pretty - he kept changing into a man, tall and blonde and rugged, face lined
with the experience of age, with biceps the size of Loki’s head and piercing
blue eyes.
And fuck Thor, seriously. Fuck him.
Sobbing his life story into Loki’s hair, snuggling with him on the couch,
calling him beautiful and hugging his face into Loki’s stomach and then saying
“we can’t” and ordering him to leave.
It made Loki sick to his stomach to think about it so he tried really hard not
to.
It was a losing battle though.
Just remembering the way Thor’s voice had sounded when he’d said, “God, you’re
so beautiful” made Loki’s heart twist. Remembering the look on his face, in his
eyes, the way his brows had drawn up and the nervous little laugh that had
floated out of his mouth. It was a knot in Loki’s stomach, an ache in his
chest, a tingle down his spine, a pooling warmth in his groin.
Loki came he didn’t even know how many times to those words and the feeling of
Thor’s face pressed into his stomach. It was his own private hell there in his
bedroom in the dark, one hand on his cock and the other with as many fingers as
he could manage stuffed inside himself. It was never enough, never what he
imagined it could really feel like if Thor would just do it, if he would just
take him the way Loki hoped and feared and desired.
”It isn’t because I don’t like you.” What the fuck was that supposed to mean?
“Maybe he thinks you’re too young,” Sigyn said, leaning against her car in the
mall parking lot and taking a drag of her cigarette.
“But why should that matter?” Loki said. He knew his voice sounded petulant.
“I dunno, maybe because he could go to jail?”
Loki scoffed. “It’s not like I’d sue him.”
“Yeah, but your mom might.”
“She doesn’t give a shit about my welfare.” And wasn’t that the truth.
“Yeah, but she does give a shit about making your life miserable.”
Loki couldn’t argue with that so he took a pull off his cigarette instead.
“I mean, this is illegal too,” he said, waving his cigarette in the air. “But
I’m doing it anyway.”
“You’re an idiot sometimes.” Sigyn hip bumped him, no ire in her voice, and he
elbowed her back.
“Fuck Thor,” Loki complained. “What right does he have to do all that shit and
then tell me to get lost?”
“He sounds really...confused,” Sigyn said slowly.
“God,” Loki breathed. “That makes two of us.” They stood in silence for a
minute, puffing smoke out into the twilight like a couple of dragons. A quiet
kind of melancholy settled over him.
“Hey.” Sigyn dropped her butt and ground it out with her boot. “Are you going
to Lorelei’s party this weekend?”
“I dunno,” Loki said. “I dunno if I’m in the mood.”
“C’mooon,” Sigyn wheedled. “Come keep me company.”
“Come be your wingman, you mean.” He raised an eyebrow at her.
“No, my valiant protector,” she said, pretending to swoon, and Loki knocked
into her, laughing, the temporary melancholy broken.
He thought about the party over the next couple of days and the more he thought
about it the more it sounded like a great idea. He knew his mom would never say
yes to him going out so late, but so what. It wasn’t even supposed to start
until like ten, and she would probably be passed out with a valium by then and
he could sneak out the window. Even when he tried to live by her rules he still
got shit on, so why bother trying anymore?
And maybe...maybe he could find someone to have a bit of fun with. Maybe he
could get off from something other than his own hand and forget about Mr.
Mixed-Signals-Thor for twenty fucking minutes.
Yeah.
An all-around great idea. Some drinking and partying before school started back
again, and a big fuck you to the two most infuriating people in his life right
now.
He should have known it was going to be a complete fiasco.
Lorelei’s parents were loaded and their house was all the way around the other
side of the lake with its own private dock and everything. He and Sigyn
actually had to drive through a guardhouse - the guy waved them through the
gate in a desultory fashion and went back to reading his titty magazine.
The house itself was a sprawling three-story mansion with little rounded towers
and a lawn manicured to within an inch of its life. Loki knew he wasn’t really
cool enough to be invited here, but Sigyn’s cousin being semi-locally-famous
and all did sometimes have its perks. There were already people milling around
the backyard and a couple of idiots in their underwear jumping off the dock
into the water.
Loki chugged two beers as soon as he could. It gave him a pleasant buzz, but he
wasn’t drunk enough yet that he missed the pained faces Sigyn was making or
that she looked a little paler and sweatier than usual.
“Are you ok?” he asked her. She was sitting all hunched over in the grass
looking pretty miserable.
“Cramps,” she winced. “I think I’ll be alright.”
Loki lost track of her for a bit after that. He wandered around looking for
conversations to join until her hand on his arm pulled him away. She’d been in
the bathroom the entire time.
“I don’t think I’m gonna make it,” she groaned. “This is like ten times worse
than usual. And I didn’t bring enough stuff, I’m gonna bleed all over my pants
in public and then my life will be over. We gotta bail.”
No. No, he wasn’t ready yet. It was too early. All of his pent up frustration
and rage was still simmering under his skin and he wanted to smother it under a
blanket of alcohol and sex until he could forget it was there - not go home to
his fucking room with two lousy beers in him and try not to cry while he
masturbated.
Sigyn looked awful though.
“You go home,” he said. “I’ll stay.”
“What? No, I’m your ride.”
“I’ll find another ride.”
“Loki -”
“Just go, it’s ok. I promise. I’ll be alright.”
The only real source of light in the yard was whatever was filtering out of the
house and Sigyn’s eyes searched his face in the almost-dark.
“Go,” Loki said. Leave me to my own stupidity.
Sometimes he wondered if she could read his mind. “Don’t do anything stupid,”
she said, punching his arm.
“I always do something stupid, I can’t help it.”
“Hah hah. Please?”
“Gooo,” he said, “before I pick you up and put you in the car myself. Go. I
need this. Please.”
Someone had mixed up some trash can punch and Loki got three quarters of the
way to wasted pretty quickly. He could feel a headache starting behind his eyes
already. Mingling was hard at the best of times and even though he wanted to
mingle, he also wanted to tell everyone who talked to him to fuck off. It
didn’t make for a great time.
Everyone just seemed so stupid and shallow. And not Thor.
He went around the side of the house in the trees to light up a smoke and bang
his head against the wall.
Snickering laughter filtered into his brain and he looked over to see a group
of three guys coming around the corner, whispering and laughing and shoving at
each other. Oh great. He knew what this was about. He’d thought he wanted to
mess around back when he had all those grand plans for tonight, but when faced
with the reality of it he just felt disappointed and tired.
One of them stepped forward, a guy about Loki’s height but slightly stockier
and with his light brown hair gelled up into little spikes. Loki thought he
recognized him from the year ahead, Kevin or Jeff or something.
“Hey,” he said, and his two buddies snickered again. “Shut up,” he hissed at
them.
“Yeah?” Loki said, tapping ash off his cigarette and trying to look as bored as
possible.
“Hey, we heard you, um. You know. Did stuff.”
Loki wasn’t going to let them off that easy. “Wow, that’s really specific,” he
said.
“You know,” Kevin-Jeff-Hair-Gel said. “Stuff. You know what I’m talking about.”
“Do I now?” Eyebrow arched, long drag making the end of his cig flare.
Definitely a Kevin, the guy had that kind of look to him.
Kevin’s scowl made him look remarkably less friendly than he had a minute ago.
“Don’t play dumb,” he said. One of his friends made a crude gesture with his
hand and stuck his tongue into his cheek like he had a dick in his mouth, and
the other one laughed like a hyena. “I heard you suck dick for cash.”
“Aww,” Loki said. “And here I thought you just wanted to make out because you
liked me.”
“I’m not a fucking fag,” Kevin said.
“Coulda fooled me,” Loki shrugged. “Asking random guys for blow jobs in the
dark.” This stupid Kevin guy and his stupid hair and his stupid face spitting
out all of his stupid words was just too depressing. There was no way he was
gonna let that guy’s dick anywhere near his face. Not for twenty bucks, not for
a hundred bucks, not for a reciprocal blow job and a bouquet of flowers.
“Come on, do you wanna do this or not?”
“How much you got?” Loki asked, pushing off the wall and pretending to look
interested.
“Ten bucks.”
He didn’t have to feign the laugh. “Ten fucking dollars, are you kidding me? Do
you at least have any weed?”
“I got twenty,” one of his friends piped up.
“Alright, fork it over, come on.”
They rifled through their pockets and handed him some crumpled bills. The look
on Kevin’s face was expectant, ugly.
“Get on your knees,” he said.
Carefully, Loki straightened the bills out and folded them neatly and started
walking away.
“Hey, where the fuck are you going?”
“Back to the party.”
“We gave you money, you fag.”
“Yeah, thank you, I really appreciate it. I’m sure your girlfriends will also
appreciate it when I keep this money and don’t tell them their boyfriends
solicit sex from dudes.”
He knew he was being an asshole and he pretty much expected the way he got
tackled. They held him down and pried the money out of his hands, spewing
threats and insults at him as they stomped back to the party and left him lying
on the ground. He’d thought they would probably force themselves on him, so it
had gone surprisingly well, actually.
He stared up at the sky for a few minutes. The bloody nose kind of hurt but the
yawning emptiness in his chest felt worse.
***** we can't *****
Thor gripped his steering wheel and tried to look as non-threatening as
possible. That was hard at the best of times because of his size, and even
moreso now because he had a week’s worth of beard (somehow shaving just hadn’t
seemed important lately). But the guard at the gate didn’t really seem to care
and barely gave him a second glance before waving him through. Some security.
Were the rich people not paying him enough?
The last week had gone by in a blur; they’d sent Odin home from the hospital
and he was an even bigger pain in the ass than before he had gone in. He was
running Thor ragged and numb, which Thor actually didn’t mind so much because
it kept his body occupied and his brain too exhausted to dwell on what had
happened between him and Loki.
He had known he liked Loki. The kid was a breath of fresh air in the stagnant
cesspool of his current life and he had never denied he enjoyed Loki’s company
and his humor and his thoughtfulness. And he had always let himself think in an
abstract way about how attractive he was. But the realization that Thor wanted
more from him hadn’t yet fully occurred to him until Loki was in his arms and
staring into his soul with those big green eyes and calling him beautiful.
So many things had slotted into place after that. The way that Loki was always
coming over, lingering as often as he could, the cookies, all the smiles and
the sometimes awkward tiny silences.
Thor wasn’t the only one falling deep into whatever this was.
But Loki was so young.
It loomed large in his mind, a terrifying shapeless thing that he didn’t dare
to look at straight on because he didn’t want to see the shape, couldn’t face
that about himself. He could only glance at it out of the corner of his eye,
avert his gaze, think about anything else. He did not have the emotional
reserves to deal with this right now. Even Odin’s coughing was a welcome
distraction.
It was both a relief and a disappointment that Loki hadn’t come knocking on his
door all week. He should stay far away. Far far away. Far far far far --
Thor had been jolted from sleep tonight by the phone. Loki had sounded shaky,
had been calling him way too late for it to be anything other than an
emergency, and Thor was into his shoes and halfway out the door before he was
even done getting the address.
Of course he would go pick Loki up. Of course. That was never in question.
Loki was waiting for him in the front yard of a tacky house shaped like a
castle, perched on a decorative boulder with his arms wrapped around himself.
Thor’s headlights played over him and he looked up, face all angles and
cheekbones in the harsh light. He looked made of fine porcelain and like he
might shatter just as easily.
It was nothing at all to leap from the car the second he had it in park, grab
Loki by the elbows and haul him up into a hug that felt equally frantic from
both sides.
Thor could hear the party still going on in the backyard, shrieks of laughter
and throbbing bass and splashing water. He could feel the bumps of Loki’s spine
under his hands and smell the alcohol on him and hear the way his breath
hitched as he buried his face in Thor’s shoulder.
“Are you ok?” Thor asked, smoothing one hand down Loki’s hair.
Loki’s voice was muffled. “Thank you for coming to get me. I didn’t know who
else to call.”
Thor hugged him tighter for a second before letting go. He didn’t know exactly
what had happened here tonight and didn’t know how to ask without veering into
inappropriate territory. It was obvious Loki was kind of drunk, and he looked
reserved and wouldn’t meet Thor’s eyes.
“Hey, I told you to call me any time and I meant it. Let’s get you home, ok?”
They started winding their way back up Lakeshore Drive, the only car on the
road at this time of night. Silence stretched between them like a physical
thing and Thor wasn’t quite sure how to break it.
“You’re not gonna tell my mom, are you?” Loki finally said, his voice thin,
like he’d had to strain it to the limit to make it work.
“No,” Thor said gruffly, shaking his head. “No, don’t worry about that. I’m not
going to tell her anything.” Thor wasn’t quite sure what his role in all this
was - adult or friend or something else or maybe even all three - but he knew
it would be a cold day in hell before he told Farbauti anything that might get
Loki in trouble. Maybe that just made him irresponsible. Like he didn’t know
that already.
“Thank you,” Loki said softly. Thor glanced over at him and he was resting his
head against the window, staring out into the darkness with his knees to his
chest.
“You don’t have to thank me. Are you sure you’re alright?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
It was a non-answer and they both knew it.
“Did anyone hurt you?”
A noncommittal shrug. Oh, Loki...
“How much did you have to drink?”
“More’n I should’ve probably.”
They were a fine pair, constantly being drunk around each other. Constantly
trying to escape from their respective lives. It might have been funny if it
wasn’t so sad.
The silence descended again, almost as thick as before, and lasted until Thor
pulled into his driveway. He cut the engine and put his hands on his own
thighs, gripping them tightly. He wanted to reach over and push Loki’s hair
behind his ear so badly he could practically feel it.
“How are you going to get back inside?”
“Window. Same way I got out.”
Thor had to smile at that. Loki’s room was the one that used to belong to
Fandral, and he knew exactly the route to take to climb in and out. Up on the
deck in the back, one foot on the chimney, one on the eave, then swing around
the corner to the decorative brickwork that gave just the right handhold to
boost up and into the window.
He knew that when he was Loki’s age he would’ve done it without a second
thought even when drunk, trusting in his own invincibility the way only
teenagers do, but at least some part of his rational adult brain was still
working and he didn’t want Loki to fall two stories because he was inebriated.
“Can I help you?” he said. “I just want to make sure you get in.”
Thor hadn’t realized how often they had fallen into the habit of casually
invading each other’s personal space until he had to physically restrain
himself from it, making himself walk at least three feet away and balling his
hands into fists.
He hated that he had to watch Loki looking so quiet and lost, that they both
had to go back to their own bedrooms by themselves - they’d probably only
actually be a few dozen feet apart in space but it might as well be a few
hundred miles.
You’re old enough to be his dad, you creep.
The moon was full enough that the night was almost bright, giving Loki’s pale
face an unearthly glow. They had just passed behind Loki’s house and out of
view of the street when Loki suddenly stopped. He stood there for a moment
looking at this feet and Thor stopped too, waiting to see what was going on.
“Why are you so nice to me?” Loki said. He seemed to be breathing hard and the
look he leveled at Thor was accusatory.
“What?”
“Why are you so nice to me?” Loki demanded again. “If you don’t want me.”
“Loki, I - that’s not -” Thor was at a loss for words. How to even begin to
explain -
“You said we can’t,” Loki said, taking a step towards him now. Thor felt panic
start to descend on him but he couldn’t make himself move a muscle. “But why?
Why can’t we?”
Thor opened his mouth but no sound came out. Loki kept on talking anyway, still
moving towards him.
“Please,” he said, his voice rough, and he was reaching out to press his hands
to Thor’s chest. “Please. You’re all I think about, I can’t take it anymore.
Please. Thor.” His voice got higher and tighter with each word until the final
syllable, Thor’s name, which he said with such agonized longing that Thor felt
himself come undone.
He tried to hold his head back, but Loki leaned up and chased him, brushing
their lips together, and with a groan Thor found himself returning the kiss,
melting into the sensation of Loki’s lips against his, falling upwards and yet
somehow rooted to the spot.
His brain kicked back online a few seconds later and he pushed away with a
gasp.
“We can’t,” he said again, the rote phrase spilling from his mouth without
conscious thought. “You’re too - you’re too young -”
Loki crowded back into him, kissing at his neck, running his hands down to
Thor’s waistband.
“I know I might not know as much as people your age, but I can make you feel
good, let me show you, I promise I can make you feel good.” He was fumbling at
the button on Thor’s pants now, trying to pull them down, and Thor put his
hands firmly on Loki’s shoulders and pushed him away.
“Stop,” Thor said as gently as he could, gaining a slight bit of control, still
holding Loki back by the shoulders. “This isn’t right. You’re drunk.”
“So what?” Loki said. “What difference does that make?”
“I’m not taking advantage of a drunk kid.”
“Your dick doesn’t think I’m a kid,” Loki said and reached out to palm the
completely unmistakable erection tenting the front of Thor’s pants. Thor bit
back a groan and flexed his grip; Loki’s little shoulders felt so delicate and
sharp-edged under his hands and he wanted nothing more than to just pull him in
and let this whole sordid thing unfold.
But although he might be a degenerate, he wasn’t so far gone he was going to
let a drunk teenager go down on him out in the open air in front of God and
everyone.
“Look,” Thor said, grabbing Loki’s hand and moving it away. “You had a bad
night, ok, it happens to all of us, but you need to go home now, right now,
before something happens that we both regret.”
“I wouldn’t regret it,” Loki said, his voice intense and unsteady. “Never. I
would never regret it.”
“Don’t say things like that,” Thor said, suddenly angry. “You can’t know that.
You have no idea what you’re asking for.”
“Don’t I? I know exactly what I’m asking for, I -”
Thor felt himself snap. The words came pouring out, raw and unchecked, things
he didn’t even know he’d been thinking. “What do you want me to be? Your
boyfriend? Do you want to go on dates and make out at the movies and get
chocolate on Valentine’s Day, maybe get to third base under a blanket in the
basement while your mom makes dinner upstairs? Is that what you want? Because
it’s not happening. That is not what our life would be.”
“I know that -”
Thor cut him off. “I don’t know if you really do. I’m an adult. I have adult
responsibilities. I have adult...desires. I can’t take you to the prom, I can’t
even hold your hand in public, all I can do is watch that pretty little ass of
yours while you mow my lawn and then fuck you in secret and hope to God no one
calls the cops.”
Thor’s chest felt tight and ready to crack. God, he hated this. Hated every
word that had come out of his mouth tonight. Wanted to beg, to apologize.
For what? Telling the truth? Doing the right thing?
Who decides what the right thing is, anyway?
Loki had tears in his eyes now. “Why do you get to decide for both of us?” he
said angrily. “What if I want you to fuck me in secret? What if I want you to
fuck me right now? I’m not a kid, I know what I want, I want you.”
“Loki,” Thor said helplessly. “We can’t.”
Loki shoved away from him. “I know, right,” he spat, “it’s not because you
don’t like me. Just leave me alone. Go home.”
He took the stairs to the deck two at a time and then swung himself up into his
window without a backwards glance. Thor stood there numbly for a minute before
turning around to go back into his own house.
He tried to go back to bed, but he knew it was a lost cause before his head
even hit the pillow. Despite his attempts to banish the thought, all he could
think of was how sweet Loki’s lips had been against his own, the feel of their
bodies pressed together, Loki’s hand on his cock...what he might look like if
Thor hadn’t stopped him, if he had pulled Thor’s pants down and opened his
mouth wide and…
Thor came with a groan, working himself in rough punishing strokes until he had
milked out every drop.
The shapeless thing in his thoughts snapped into sudden focus, sharp-edged and
clear, and it had black hair and green eyes and said “What if I want you to
fuck me right now?”, and Thor wanted to, he wanted to so badly that he trembled
at the very thought of it.
What the fuck was he supposed to do now?
***** split second decision *****
Chapter Notes
     sorry for the wait!
     thanks to Mona for poking at just the right spots on this one to make
     it better <3
Loki slid down the wall and cried until his stomach ached, his nose running and
tears streaming down his face until his collar was damp with it. Maybe if he
kept going the room would fill with tears like Alice in Wonderland and he could
float away to somewhere else. It was almost a comforting thought.
A wave of nausea gripped him and he barely made it down the hall to the toilet
to retch into the bowl.
He woke up the next morning in his bed; he’d managed to crawl onto it fully
clothed and pass out on top of the covers. His eyes felt puffy and gritty, his
head like a rotten pumpkin ready to split at the slightest pressure. His tongue
was huge and dry in his mouth but he managed to dredge up enough moisture to
swallow. The taste of last night’s vomit lingered in the back of his throat.
Last night. Had it even been real?
It was hard to believe he’d managed to screw his courage up so far and it had
still all been for nothing. Worse than nothing. “Nothing” would be if he and
Thor were still friends, but he didn’t even think they were that anymore.
Stupid stupid stupid.
”You’re always screwing everything up,” he heard his mom’s voice grate in his
head. He’d heard the words so many times before he knew the exact inflection
she would use, the exact sneer that would curl her lip. ”Do you do it on
purpose? You must, no one could fuck up that much without trying. It’s the one
thing you’re actually good at.”
Loki brought two fingers up to his lips and tried to remember the way it had
felt for those few brief glorious seconds when Thor had kissed him back. Those
seconds when the blood sang in his veins and he’d thought everything would be
ok.
He wanted to be frustrated. He wanted to be angry. Anger made him feel bigger
than himself, it burned, it cleansed. If he was angry he could take all of his
stupid sentimental feelings and feed them into the fire until they were ash.
Instead, he was just sad.
The sadness settled over him, a clinging film that covered him whole, clouding
his vision. He lay there on top of his grandmother’s crocheted blanket feeling
small and cold, a compressed little lump of wax - vaguely human-shaped, but
with no heart.
He felt lonely in a way he hadn’t since his parents got divorced.
He didn’t cry again.
*
Loki never locked his bedroom door during the day. His mom had declared it her
right as a parent to be able to bust in on him at all times, and if she
couldn’t it never ended well for Loki. The last time he had locked her out she
screamed herself hoarse outside his door and then broke a vase against it;
afterwards, she’d made him clean the glass up himself and then she took the
door off the hinges for months. She’d also made him pay her for the broken
vase.
So it wasn’t any kind of surprise when his door banged open to reveal a glaring
Farbauti, standing in the doorway with one hand on her hip.
Loki had been lying on the floor with the radio on and his feet under the bed,
staring at the glow-in-the-dark constellations on his ceiling, drumming the
beat on his stomach. He’d done the same thing all day yesterday. And the day
before.
Farbauti was always observant when it came to Loki, though, and she had zeroed
in on his desire to be alone like a shark smelling blood.
“Are you still in here?” Farbauti said. “What’s gotten into you? You’re even
lazier than usual.”
Loki shrugged, not meeting her eyes.
“Answer your mother.” The ”you disrespectful brat” went unspoken but Loki had
heard it enough times that he knew it was there all the same. Her tone and the
hardness of her mouth left no doubt.
“Sorry,” he muttered. “Just not feeling well I guess.”
“I could almost imagine I was all alone in this house,” she continued. “Just me
and the TV. By ourselves.”
Loki turned his head to look at her fully, not quite catching her meaning.
“‘Friends’ is on. Come downstairs and act like you’re a part of this family.”
“Mom, you know I hate -”
“Aaah,” she said sharply, raising a hand to cut him off. “No excuses.
Downstairs. You have two minutes.”
Loki smacked the floor in frustration. All he wanted to do was just stay here
in his comfy spot on the floor and not think and drift in a cloud of music
until school started next week, and ‘Friends’ was the last show on the fucking
planet he’d ever choose to watch. Farbauti and her sudden burning desire for
him to come downstairs and watch TV with her was just the icing on the shit
cake.
How did she always know exactly how to get under his skin the most?
The thought of going down there meekly like a trained monkey and being forced
to navigate the minefield of her conversation while a sitcom played in the
background like a demented soundtrack was too much to deal with. And nothing
was ever simple or straightforward with her, she was probably spoiling for some
kind of fight and he couldn’t even imagine over what. It didn’t even matter.
She’d fabricate one out of thin air no matter how careful he tried to be.
He was tired of all the adults in his life trying to run it for him, yanking
him around like a marionette in a play. Do this, Loki and No, not like that,
Loki and Don’t you dare, Loki.
We can’t, Loki.
Making a split second decision, he scrambled up and grabbed his phone and
called Sigyn.
“Hey,” he said breathlessly when she picked up. “Can you come pick me up at the
gas station by my house?”
“Um, yeah,” she said, her voice sounding confused.
“Right now?”
“Ok. Ok. What’s going -”
“I’ll explain later, gotta go.”
He slammed the receiver down, shoved his feet into his shoes, and did his
little trick that kept the window from locking all the way in case he needed to
climb back in later. Taking a shaky breath, he clomped loudly down the stairs.
Farbauti’s voice sliced through his ears from the living room. “That was four
minutes -”
“I know,” he said, making sure to slam the front door on the way out.
He broke into a nervous jog, not daring to look behind him. Would she come
running after him? Would she come after him in the car?
Suddenly terrified, he ducked into someone’s backyard and made his way down the
street hopping fences. His breath came in short ragged gasps. Did he hear her
yelling his name or was he imagining it through the blood pounding in his ears?
What the fuck was he doing?
Fifteen minutes later he was doubled over wheezing in the gas station mini
mart, waving off the concerned looking cashier. It was normally at least a
twenty-five minute walk but fear had given him wings apparently.
Sigyn showed up two minutes later and he collapsed into the passenger seat.
“Um. You look like shit,” she said.
“Tell me about it,” he groaned.
“What happened?”
“I’ll tell you on the way to your house.”
*
Sigyn’s mom let him spend the night. She didn’t seem enthusiastic, but Loki
could have kissed her all the same.
“You’re a sweet kid, but I don’t want to get charged with kidnapping,” she told
him. “Try to sort yourself out tonight, ok? We can call your mom in the
morning.”
He and Sigyn stayed up talking on her basement couch all night. She let him put
his head in her lap and she ran her fingers through his hair as he poured his
heart out about his mom and the party and Thor until he ran out of words
completely. For once she didn’t try to offer advice or jokingly call him an
idiot, she just listened, and it was exactly what he needed.
“It sounds like you have way more than a crush,” she offered finally. “You’ve
really got it bad for this guy, don’t you?”
“...Yeah.” Loki sat up and bit at the corner of his thumbnail and stared at his
knuckles. “I think that’s safe to say.”
“Do you love him?”
The question rocked him.
Somehow he had never thought of Thor in those terms before. Like, there was the
physical attraction obviously, and the way he craved Thor’s attention, and the
way his stomach pulled into a knot when he thought about him - that was all
normal crush stuff, right?
But then there was...God, everything else. So much else. He could barely even
wrap his brain around it to find the language to express it. Like...like he was
an empty vase and no matter what he tried to pour into himself it just ran out
the bottom, but Thor came and just filled him to the brim with liquid sunlight
and...
Fuck.
He felt his face twist.
“Shit, you do,” Sigyn said, pulling him into a hug. “Hey, hey, it’s ok, I’m
sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Did he? Did he love Thor?
Loki, we can’t.
Did it even matter?
“I -” he started, but his throat closed up and he couldn’t get any more words
out without starting to cry. He didn’t even know what he would have said
anyway.
“Loki, babe, I’m sorry, forget I said it, ok? He’s just a stupid jerk. You
don’t need him. And you don’t need your shitty ass mom, either. You don’t need
any of them.” She took his hands in hers and squeezed them. He squeezed back,
struggling to fight the tears down.
“Why is my life so fucked?” he said once he got his voice back under control.
“What did I do that was so wrong?”
“Nothing, you didn’t do anything. It’s them. It’s not you.”
“It kind of feels like me.”
“Well, I mean, you do kind of dumb things sometimes -”
“Hey! You’re supposed to make me feel better, here, not worse.”
“You do kind of dumb things sometimes,” she repeated, smiling and poking the
end of his nose and he couldn’t help but smile back, “but you’re good. You’re a
good person.”
Loki made a soft scoffing noise and closed his eyes. “Thor said the same
thing.”
“See? Even stupid jerks know a thing or two sometimes.”
Loki smiled despite himself.
“Thanks for coming to get me earlier,” he said, abruptly changing the subject.
Sigyn pushed on his shoulder, that old familiar shove. “Hey, you’re my Loki-
doki. I’ll help you run away from home any day of the week.”
Well. Maybe his life was mostly shit, but at least he had this one good thing
going for him. One person who had faith in him. It was enough to ease some of
his heartsickness, breathe just a tiny bit easier.
They ended up dozing off to predawn birdsong, their heads at opposite ends of
the couch, until Sigyn’s mom woke them up for breakfast.
She handed Loki the cordless phone meaningfully as he chased the last bit of
cereal around his bowl. The bite he was chewing turned to sawdust in his mouth.
It was time to pay the piper.
Sigyn gave him a sympathetic look as he rose to take the phone into the other
room. She squeezed his arm as he went by and he gave her a tight-lipped smile.
His hand only shook a little as he dialed his home number.
***** crash into me *****
Chapter Notes
     \o/ hello you beautiful readers, an extra long one for you tonight
Thor knew he was doing the right thing.
Anyone would have told him the same. Not fucking the sixteen year old neighbor
kid was definitely the right thing. It wasn’t rocket science. Sure, Thor was
unhappy, but he cared about Loki and this was what was best for him. And it
wouldn’t be fair to Loki to keep trying to be friends, either; Thor well
remembered teenage hormones and he knew that any sign of interest on his part
would just keep fanning the flames. So he was staying away.
Far away.
It felt fucking awful.
Thor tried to busy himself with work and caring for his dad. It was the only
way to keep his mind from wandering to a willowy sad-eyed boy and fixating on
the perfect kissability of those pouting lips, the desperate crack in his voice
when he pleaded “you’re all I can think about.” Every time it started to
happen, he yanked himself back and tried to focus on the present. Loki was
better off without him. He was.
Thor was mostly successful during the day while he could occupy himself, but
lying in bed at night gave his tattered emotions free rein. The darkness seemed
bigger alone in his old room, more liable to swallow him up from the inside. It
was then that it struck him as cosmically absurd that he was using the two
things that made him the most unhappy to take his mind off the thing that made
him the happiest.
Which eldritch god had he angered? What sacrifice would appease it? Apparently
his autonomy and sanity weren’t enough.
It was still Loki’s face in his thoughts every time he touched himself. He
couldn’t banish it no matter how hard he tried.
“Thor,” Odin said one morning several days later, and coughed weakly. It was a
shallow cough, nothing like those deep wet gasping spasms that had wracked him
before the mini stroke. The doctors had finally found a pill, but unfortunately
it also backed the old man up completely to the point that Thor now had to give
him suppositories. He thought he might actually prefer the coughing.
“Yes,” Thor said tiredly. He was spreading jam on crackers for Odin’s
breakfast.
“I’m glad you’re here this morning,” Odin said.
Thor was so surprised he looked up and met his father’s eye.
“You’re much nicer than that other man,” Odin continued.
“Other man?”
“You know. The one who comes here at night.”
Thor felt a stab of fear. Had there been someone coming into their house? What
the hell was Odin going on about? Was he confusing dreams with reality? Did
Thor have to worry about burglars and poltergeists now too?
Deep breath.
“Which other man, dad?” Thor asked carefully, patiently.
Odin waved his hand. “The night nurse. You know. He’s an asshole.”
“Dad. We don’t have a night nurse.”
“Don’t play stupid, boy. He was here just last night. Barks orders like he owns
the place.”
A cold sickening lump settled into Thor’s gut. There was no night nurse, but
yesterday he himself had been in an especially foul mood and he’d been shorter
with Odin than he’d meant to be.
“Did he put you to bed?” Thor said, dreading the answer.
“He did, and he was none too gentle, let me tell you. You should get rid of
him.”
Thor swallowed thickly. “Ok, dad. I’ll look into it.”
Fuck. Was he going to have to call the doctor about this? He should call the
doctor. He was really starting to hate calling that place.
He felt a thin blade of hysteria creep into his chest. Couldn’t they just send
home a manual from the hospital for this? “So your dad is dying, a how-to
guide, tips and tricks for everything from coughing to dementia!” Thor could
design the cover artwork. He had to smother a horrified giggle and pretend to
wash his hands in the sink to get himself back under control.
After Odin was done eating, he leaned heavily on Thor to shuffle into the
living room and thump down into the recliner.
“Where’s that boy?” Odin asked.
Half afraid it was another figment of his father’s decaying brain and half
afraid it wasn’t, Thor took a deep breath through his nose and said, “Which
boy?”
“What do you mean, which boy? The one who plays the piano. It’s been awhile. He
reminds me of your mother.”
Thor huffed a short little laugh to keep from crying.
“I don’t think he’s going to be coming around much anymore,” he said, the
sickening lump in his gut spreading out bruising fingers to wrap around his
heart as well. He fussed mindlessly with the angle of the recliner, got the
remote set up on the arm rest, made sure the box of tissues was within reach.
“That’s a shame.”
Yeah, it is. More than you know. “I’ll be upstairs if you need me.”
Thor dragged himself upstairs and fell onto his bed. His computer stared
reproachfully at him, but he couldn’t turn it on yet. Not yet.
His chest felt tight, like he couldn’t draw in enough air to inflate his lungs
properly.
Odin had always been the largest figure in his world. No matter what had been
going on in Thor’s own life, his father had been a looming presence in the
background with an ever-present look of disappointment in his eye. Thor both
loved and feared him, hating the expectations placed upon himself while
simultaneously trying to live up to them, always hoping that this time Odin
would be pleased with him.
But Odin was usually as remote as a mountain, and just as strong and
unyielding.
And now he was so far gone that he didn’t even recognize his own son.
It didn’t even seem like real life.
Frigga would never have wanted to see Odin like this, but Thor longed selfishly
for her to be here now for him to lean on, to cry into her hair and draw on her
strength. He was a strong man physically, but faced with his father’s frailty
he felt pathetically weak and unprepared.
He folded his arms over the ache in his stomach and wished that he was hugging
Loki instead.
*
Somehow the day ended. Each minute felt endless, but time’s forward march was
ceaseless. Impossible though it had seemed when viewed from the perspective of
the morning, night did finally come.
Odin had been asleep for an hour and Thor was drowning himself in his second
beer when he heard a crash outside, followed by raised voices. The neighborhood
was normally so quiet at this hour. What the hell was going on out there?
He peered out the kitchen window and felt his breath catch. Light was spilling
from the open front door of Loki’s house, throwing Loki himself into stark
relief against the darkness of the street. Farbauti’s strident voice cut
through the air, loud and ugly.
Loki had his arms crossed over his chest, clutching his own elbows, hunched in
on himself like a kicked dog, letting his mother’s tirade wash over him.
Whatever she said made him flinch, and then he stumbled backwards as something
flew through the air past his head.
Thor had felt lost all day, overheated and fuzzy, adrift in the sea of his own
distress. A sharp cold clarity fell over him now.
He opened the kitchen window to hear more clearly.
“Mom -” Loki pleaded, reaching a hand toward the open door.
“Get out!” Farbauti shrieked. “This house isn’t good enough for you, then fine.
You don’t want to be here, then don’t be here.”
“Where am I supposed to go?” Loki cried out, his voice cracking.
“What the fuck do I care? LEAVE! You had no problem doing it yesterday!”
Loki took a step towards the house but fell back again when something else came
sailing out the door. A bag this time. Farbauti took a step out of the house,
blackening the doorway.
“I packed you a bag while you were gone. Thought I’d save you the trouble so
you wouldn’t have to stay here any longer than necessary. Good luck finding
someone willing to put up with your sorry ass as long as I did. And when you’re
out on the streets, I want you remember that you did this to yourself.”
The look of devastation on Loki’s face and written in every line of his body
made Thor’s heart crack in two. Farbauti slammed the door behind her, casting
Loki back into darkness.
Thor had never been so angry in his life, had never wanted to completely rip
someone apart with his bare hands before. It seemed only fitting that Farbauti
got the honors. How dare she? How dare she be gifted with a child with such a
sweet, sincere, kind heart and not thank the universe every day for it? Offer
nothing but disdain at best? Do her level best to break the most beautiful
thing in her whole miserable existence?
Haltingly, Loki picked the backpack up off the ground and slung it over one
shoulder. He cast one look back at his house and then began to walk away - in
the opposite direction of Thor’s house.
This couldn’t stand. Where did Loki think he was going? His friend’s house,
that girl he was always talking about? There was no way she lived within
reasonable walking distance. If this had been last week, Thor was certain Loki
would have come right to his house immediately, no question.
But it wasn’t last week.
Everything was different now. Bad different.
Thor had been telling himself that Loki was better off without him, but clearly
he wasn’t. Clearly his life was falling apart at the seams just as badly as
Thor’s was. And before they had had each other, and now they had no one, and…
Thor was out the front door before he even realized he’d told his feet to move.
“Loki!” he called out, running to catch up.
Loki glanced at him over his shoulder, then put his head down and kept walking.
“Leave me alone,” he muttered.
“Loki, wait.” Thor got a hand on his arm but Loki pulled roughly away.
“I said leave me alone,” he snarled.
“I heard what happened,” Thor said. “Some of it anyway. Where are you going?”
“What do you care.” Loki hadn’t stopped walking, charging down the street
angrily.
“Of course I care. Loki. Please. Look at me.”
“I’m going to Sigyn’s,” Loki ground out. “Go home and get drunk and cry or
whatever it is you do.”
Thor clenched his jaw. Alright, that was only fair.
“I know you’re angry with me, and I don’t blame you, but I’m not letting you
walk god knows how far in the dark by yourself,” Thor insisted. “Come to my
house. You can sleep there and I’ll talk to your mom in the morning.”
Loki laughed tearfully. “Yeah, that’s what Sigyn’s mom said last night too, and
look where it got me.” He scrubbed at his cheeks.
“Then you can stay however long you need to. Fuck your mom, anyway.”
That got Loki to draw up short.
Anger and heartache had been fighting in Thor’s chest, but now they melted
away, replaced by a tenderness that he didn’t even know he was capable of
feeling anymore. He tried to channel all his sincerity into his voice. “She was
wrong, you know,” Thor said. “It’s not your fault. It’s her fault. All of it.
And you’re not going to end up on the street because you’re going to come stay
with me.”
Loki stared at his feet, unblinking, unmoving. Thor wanted so badly to reach
out and tuck his hair behind his ear, but he balled his hand into a fist
instead.
“...I’m not sleeping on the floor,” Loki said finally, looking up to meet
Thor’s eyes for the first time, his jaw set. Thor felt relief wash over him.
“No floors,” he agreed.
*
Thor managed to get Loki inside and upstairs without waking up Odin. He had
briefly considered putting Loki on the couch in the living room, but quickly
decided against it. Sticking the poor kid alone in a room with his sick dad
would be monstrously unfair. His parents’ old bedroom came to mind next, but it
was piled high with junk and didn’t even have a bed in it anymore anyway. Thor
had no choice but to give up his own bed tonight, not that he was complaining.
If Loki did end up staying for awhile they might need to sort out something
more permanent, but there was time enough for that later.
So much of Thor’s life lately had just been reacting to things, letting events
toss him around helplessly. He supposed this was a reaction too, but he felt
much more positive about it, like he was accomplishing something worthwhile. It
almost put him in a good mood, despite the inevitable crushing awkwardness of
being in the same place as Loki.
Because it was awkward, and they both felt it - the tension in the air, the way
they kept several careful feet apart, the way Loki’s face was closed off in a
way that it usually wasn’t when he was around Thor. The way Thor was
practically vibrating with the intense need to touch and hold and comfort and
claim.
”She can’t hurt you anymore,” he wanted to say, even though he knew it was a
lie. Even if Loki never saw Farbauti again she’d be hurting him for the rest of
his life. It was an ache that Thor knew well.
“Obviously I haven’t washed my sheets, but you can sleep in my bed,” Thor said,
pushing his bedroom door open for Loki to go in ahead of him. Loki brushed past
and Thor caught the scent of his hair. He closed his eyes. “I’ll just...I’ll be
on the couch downstairs if you need me, ok?”
Loki couldn’t hide the small look of disappointment that flashed across his
face.
“I -”
“The bathroom is down the hall,” Thor continued, cutting him off, not knowing
if he could bear to hear whatever it was Loki was going to say. The walls he’d
so clumsily built around himself were already straining and he didn’t know how
much more they could take. “Just let me use it first real quick and then you
can have it all to yourself for the rest of the night.”
“Ok,” Loki said in a small voice.
Thor’s ulterior motive was to get in the bathroom first to wipe out the sink
and stash away the lube he knew he’d left sitting out on the counter, but he
also took a minute to brush his teeth and pee and put his head in his hands and
ask himself what the fuck he was playing at.
Loki needs help.
Yes, but does he need help from you?
If not me, then who?
Feeling marginally more composed but no closer to an answer, Thor flushed the
toilet and started making his way down the hallway to go downstairs. Loki had
closed the bedroom door and he stood outside it for a moment, debating whether
to knock and let Loki know he was done.
He heard a strange noise though, and he pressed his ear closer to the door to
try and make it out.
Loki was crying.
It was only natural after everything that had happened. It would have been more
worrisome if Loki wasn’t crying.
At first Thor’s heart broke all over again, but then something about those
small pitiful sobs wakened a protectiveness in Thor’s breast. It roared
savagely to life, moving him to push the door open, to crash through the
already-crumbling walls around his heart and into the boy waiting, trembling,
on the other side.
“Loki,” he said, agonized, and held his arms out wide.
Loki turned his tear-stained face to Thor’s and then he was burying himself in
Thor’s arms, sobbing wretchedly into his chest. Thor held him fast, not daring
to loosen his hold even for an instant.
“Don’t go,” Loki pleaded, his voice a hiccuping gasp. He pressed his face
against Thor and clutched at his back. “Don’t leave me again.”
Thor nearly sobbed himself. He couldn’t have left again if he wanted to. He was
all in now, completely committed, and had been the second he started pushing
open that door. Honestly, he had been completely committed a long time ago,
only he’d been too stupid and stubborn to accept it.
“I won’t,” Thor promised, holding him tighter. “I can’t.” Even as he said it he
knew it was true.
“Don’t say ‘we can’t,’” Loki said shakily. “Don’t you say it.” His sobs had
slowed now and he pulled back and looked up at Thor, his eyes shining, almost
aquamarine from his tears. They were so open now, so vulnerable, Loki’s own
walls down too, and Thor knew in that moment that he was lost. The corners of
Loki’s mouth quivered and Thor put a gentle thumb on each side to still the
tremor.
He ached to dive in and kiss him.
He felt Loki’s breath catch as his eyes fell closed. Every course of action
from this point felt equally implausible. Thor couldn’t get involved. He
couldn’t not get involved. Both were wrong. Both were right.
The only thing he was absolutely certain about right now was that he’d do
anything for this boy, and right now Loki needed to know that somebody loved
him.
And Thor did. God help him, he did.
Loki exhaled raggedly and made to pull away, but Thor drew him gently in
instead and pressed their lips together.
Loki’s lips were salty with tears. He gasped softly into Thor’s mouth and Thor
swallowed the tiny sound with a groan of his own. He felt Loki’s hands running
up his chest, tugging at his shirt, twisting in the fabric, fluttering up to
his neck to pull them closer together.
Thor sank into it. He kissed Loki’s lips, the tears on his cheeks, under his
jaw, and then back up to reclaim his whimpering, needy mouth.
Loki had both arms around his neck now, and Thor wrapped his own around the
small of Loki’s back and crushed them together. It was pointless to fight it
anymore. They fit together so perfectly, so seamlessly.
Still, Thor broke the kiss to catch his breath, so many words fighting to get
out of his mouth he didn’t know which ones to choose.
“Loki, I - you -”
“If you say something like I’m a ‘stupid kid’ I will kick you, I swear to God.”
Thor couldn’t help smiling. If Loki was feeling better enough to be sassy that
was only a good thing.
“You’re not stupid,” he murmured, brushing Loki’s nose with his and earning a
shiver. “But you are a kid.”
Loki’s face fell, but Thor forged ahead.
“I don’t care anymore,” he said. “It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change the way
I feel about you. I want you to know that. I’m not going anywhere. Not ever
again, not unless you want me to.” Two tears slipped from the corners of Loki’s
eyes. Thor felt like there was a balloon inflating in his chest, simultaneously
tight and hollow, and so full of emotion he was half afraid he might just break
apart. Tenderly, he kissed the track of each tear.
Loki dragged their lips back together and kissed him with fierce desperation,
hot and hard and messy. Thor fell into it, deepening it, just as desperate. His
bones thrummed electric under his skin.
Thor distantly wondered if there had ever been a way to avoid this or if it had
been destined from their first meeting, all the struggles along the way nothing
more than futile attempts at delaying the inevitable. They’d both been
suffering for so long. It all seemed so pointless now.
Loki was pulling him towards the bed, fumbling his shirt out of the waistband
of his pants, running his hands along the skin of Thor’s belly, making Thor
suck in his breath. He was suddenly acutely aware of how young Loki was. He
didn’t want to go too fast. He didn’t know how much Loki had experienced,
didn’t want to push him anywhere he wasn’t comfortable going. Thor caught his
hands and brought them up to kiss his knuckles.
“I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do,” he said. “You don’t have to
impress me, ok? I’m not going anywhere. Even if you tell me to get out now,
I’ll leave, if you tell me to stop I’ll stop, if you -” Thor realized his words
were nonsense as he was saying them.
Loki shut him up with another kiss. “Please,” he panted, breaking away.
“Please. I need you.” He tugged Thor’s shirt higher.
Thor had given up denying Loki the second he’d entered this room, and he
obediently lifted his arms for Loki to pull his shirt over his head. Loki
stared at him for a minute, wide-eyed, lips parted, and spread both hands over
Thor’s chest.
“I can’t believe I get to touch you,” he said, looking up into Thor’s eyes, his
pupils huge in the dim light. Thor hadn’t had enough of kissing him yet though,
so he dipped down again, cupping Loki’s face in both hands, devouring his plush
lips, running his tongue inside until Loki’s own tongue started tentatively
responding.
It didn’t take long until they were licking into each other’s mouths with
abandon, Loki’s hands cool against the overheated skin of Thor’s chest, and
Thor pushed him down onto the bed and fell on top of him, pressing him into the
mattress.
“Please,” Loki breathed again, and whined high in his throat as Thor ground
their hips together. He felt so slender and delicate under Thor’s body, so
breakable, and it fanned the flame of a hunger that had been lying deep inside
of him. Thor wanted to break him, take him apart piece by piece and put him
back together again. Claim him and consume him and protect him.
Loki’s shirt joined Thor’s on the floor and they were finally joined skin-to-
skin, pushing and pulling frantically against each other. In his entire life
Thor had never been so hard, so completely out of his mind with desire. His
cock strained against the confines of his jeans and with a growl he rose to his
knees and shoved them down and off.
Loki wriggled out of his own jeans and Thor fell on top of him again, burying
his face in the crook of Loki’s neck and rutting helplessly against his hip.
Little sighs and moans kept escaping Loki’s throat as he bucked his own hips,
clawing his nails down Thor’s back; they were fuel to Thor’s fire.
Suddenly desperate for more friction, Thor rolled them onto their sides. Loki’s
whimper of protest turned into a groan when Thor took both of their cocks in
one of his huge hands and began stroking.
“Ah God,” Loki gasped, reaching down to add his own slim hand and feel both of
them moving together.
Neither of them lasted very long. Loki spilled first with a breathy unh,
shuddering as he came in spurts across both their bellies. Thor’s own orgasm
was close, so close, the charge building to an almost unbearable height. A
moment later Loki gasped out “Thor,” his voice frayed and rough, and Thor
claimed his lips again and, shaking, spent in their combined grasp.
They clung to each other afterwards, cocooned in a bubble of sated silence that
neither of them seemed willing to break.
Thor stroked Loki’s back over and over, played with the silky ends of his hair,
brushed the back of his hand down Loki’s arm. Loki kept running his fingertips
down the center of Thor’s chest and into his navel, around to his waist and
back up again. Loki tilted his chin up for another kiss that Thor was only too
happy to give him. It was soft now, sweet, and they both sighed.
What had just happened probably didn’t fall under anyone’s definition of
“right,” but at the moment Thor was ready to tell the world to go fuck itself.
Loki was in his arms and it was perfect. One small piece of the universe that
for this moment had defied entropy and arranged itself into sublime order.
Who cared about right and wrong. This just...was.
“Stay here tonight,” Loki whispered. “Sleep with me.”
”I love you,” Thor wanted to blurt out, but instead he murmured, “Ok.” Loki
smiled so prettily that Thor felt his heart stop for a second. “Just let me go
get something to clean us up, alright? I’ll be right back.”
“Ok.”
When Thor got back from the bathroom with a damp washcloth, he stopped in the
doorway to admire the naked boy sprawled on his bed. Everything had happened so
quickly he hadn’t had a chance to explore everything properly. Loki was all
long legs and arms, taut belly and sharp ribcage. His cock lay soft against his
leg, a tantalizing mouthful. Thor knew now he was going to map every inch of
that body, and that thought nearly bowled him over.
But not tonight.
Tonight he was going to hold Loki close and sleep tangled together in the same
bed, and it was just as appealing a thought.
“What?” Loki asked nervously.
“What?”
“You’re staring.”
“You’re so beautiful,” Thor said.
Loki flushed adorably pink and turned his face away.
“So are you,” he said softly, a mirror of the first time they’d ever spoken
such things aloud.
After they were clean, Thor crawled back into bed and Loki fell asleep spooned
against his chest. Thor followed him into dreams not long after.
***** nice things *****
Loki spent the first part of the night in a weird half-doze, vaguely conscious
of the strange bed and the strange angles of the room and the feeling of Thor’s
warm arm against his chest. Sometime in the dark hours of the morning his
exhausted brain finally gave up and let him be dragged under into deep
dreamless sleep.
He lost himself there in the blackness, floating uneasily somewhere in a place
where he had no name, no identity.
Waking didn’t happen all at once. He slowly swam up from the depths, noticing
odd things one by one in his disoriented state. A bare foot sticking out of the
blanket. His hair stuck to the side of his face. Why was his dresser over
there? And his window was supposed to be on the other wall...he shifted
slightly to rub at his gritty eyes and bumped against Thor.
Oh.
Ohhh.
It all rushed into him at once and he found himself covering his mouth and
squeezing his eyes shut as though that might stem the tide.
It didn’t work, of course.
There was so much that had happened that his brain didn’t even know what to
process first, skittering from one thing to the next and back again, glancing
off the surface of each one.
The first thought sticky enough to catch him was that he was homeless. That was
a thing now. His mom...No. That was too big. Turn around. Run away. Don’t look
at that yet. Slap a bandaid on that shit and hope like hell that when it peels
off later there’s a nice healing cut underneath and not a jagged hacked off
limb.
Mr. Hot-and-Cold Thor. Currently hot. Very hot. In the most literal sense of
the word - the man was a small furnace in the bed next to him. Thor, who after
crushing Loki’s heart in the cruelest of manners, had run down the street after
him like a character in a chick flick and then took him home and…
Warmth flooded Loki’s cheeks at the memory. He still couldn’t quite believe it
had happened, except that the proof was lying right here next to him. Even
after everything they had done last night, he had been expecting Thor to turn
down his plea to stay and sleep with him. He didn’t even mean to ask, it had
just slipped out, and he had just known that Thor was going to look at him with
that stupid ’I’m a grown-up and I know better than you’ look and Loki’s two
least favorite words - we can’t.
But Thor had stayed. He was here.
He was lying on his stomach, head pillowed on one arm and golden hair falling
across his slack face. Loki almost reached out to tuck it behind his ear the
way he always did with his own hair, but he stopped himself. He didn’t want
Thor to wake up just yet. He needed to look at him some more, memorize this one
moment so he’d have something beautiful to look back on after Thor did wake up
and inevitably kicked him out in a fit of remorse.
Because if there was one lesson Loki had learned in his life it was that he
didn’t get nice things. He’d had it drilled into him over and over again,
repeated until the grooves were worn deep into his bones. And Thor, well...he
was a pretty nice thing.
A pretty great thing.
Last night had been intense. Thor had no doubt been swept up in the heat of the
moment just like Loki had, but...he honestly couldn't imagine Thor meaning any
of what he'd said. He'd pulled Loki in before only to push him away so there
was no use getting his hopes up that this time would be any different.
He wondered where he'd go once Thor kicked him out. Sigyn’s house was kind of
ok, but he had seen the look in her mom’s eyes when he'd shown up the other
day. Pity and distaste. If he had to see that every time she looked at him he
might scream.
School started on Monday, maybe once it did they'd let him sleep there.
His mom…
No.
Abort thought train, back up, switch tracks.
Thor's eyes cracked open a slit and Loki held his breath. No, he wasn't ready
yet. He burrowed himself into Thor's side, desperate for one last bit of
closeness before the shove away.
“Hey,” Thor greeted him sleepily, raising his arm to invite Loki further in
before draping it over his back. His heat was almost stifling, and Loki's
breath felt humid in his own nostrils from being pressed into Thor's neck. He
pushed in closer anyway. Oh, this smell. It always made him think of that time
Thor had given Loki his jacket, the first time he'd ever really thought there
could actually be something between them.
And now there finally was something. It had only taken extreme amounts of
trauma to get this far, no big deal.
Don't say anything, he pleaded silently. Thor's morning stubble scratched
against his cheek, the ruddy skin of his neck warm on Loki's lips. God, he'd
dreamed of being right here so often he was almost giddy at the reality. Wild
animals couldn't have dragged him away right now. His arms wrapped around
Thor's back of their own accord, tightening almost spasmodically - as if Loki
had ever had any other option than to hang on for dear life, really.
Don't say anything. Don't say anything.
“Hey, are you ok?” Thor said, trying to angle back to get a look at Loki's
face.
Of course he wasn't fucking ok, what kind of question was that?
“Sweetheart?”
Loki's stomach knotted in on itself. No one had ever called him that before, or
at least not in that tone of voice. Ugh, why was Thor so...UGH. He shouldn't be
allowed to yank people around like this, it wasn't right.
“Just...don't say anything. Please?” Loki's voice cracked on the last word,
highlighting his youth in a way he fucking hated. He barreled on. “Last night
was both the worst and best night of my life and...I want to hold on to the
best part for a little bit longer.”
“What are you talking about?” Thor's voice was still rough with sleep and the
burr of it did interesting things to Loki's insides.
But Loki couldn't shut up now, he was babbling. “Maybe it wasn't the best for
you but don't make me go yet.”
“Sweetheart, I'm not making you go anywhere. Not the best for me? What's all
this about?”
Thor did pull back this time, far enough to look Loki in the face, and he
tilted Loki's chin towards him with gentle yet firm fingers.
Loki couldn't look at him. He focused on his chin instead. “You're going to
tell me ‘we can't’ again and…” His breath snagged and he huffed out a little
high pitched breath. Well, there it was. If Thor wasn't going to say it before,
he would surely say it now.
“Oh Loki, I'm so sorry.” Thor sounded pained. He smoothed the hair back from
Loki's face and kissed his forehead. “I'm so sorry. I've been such an asshole.
I'm not...you don't need to…God.” He enveloped Loki in his arms. Kisses rained
down on Loki's hair as Thor crushed them together. “We can, alright? We can. I
told you last night and I meant it, I swear.”
Loki couldn't breathe. His throat was too tight, the air sharp and painful.
Then Thor was kissing his mouth, gentle yet fierce, and Loki heard himself
making embarrassingly needy noises. He wasn't relieved, not yet. Part of him
still didn't believe Thor, but Thor was here, now, kissing him, and Loki gave
himself over to it with abandon.
Thor broke away just enough that their noses were still touching and he stroked
Loki's cheeks. Loki covered Thor's hands with his own and finally dared to meet
his eyes.
“I was fighting it for so long,” Thor murmured. “But I'm done fighting.
Maybe...maybe the way I was acting before doesn't give you any reason to trust
me, and maybe I deserve that, but…”
“I want to trust you,” Loki said, a little shaky, and he offered Thor a little
tight-lipped smile. He wanted to say more. It’s hard, or I don't know how, but
he didn't know how to say those things either.
“God, you really are the most beautiful thing,” Thor said, wonder in his voice,
and kissed him again. “I just want to eat you alive.”
The words made Loki shudder, and he kissed Thor back with all the eagerness and
hunger he knew how to convey.
“I want you to,” he gasped as Thor moved down to ravish his throat.
“You drive me crazy,” Thor growled, mouthing at the tendon in Loki's neck. “The
things I want to do to you.”
“Yes,” Loki said, squirming, pulling Thor closer. “Do them.”
“You don't know what you're asking for.”
“...Do you want to fuck me?”
Thor went still and groaned into the hollow of Loki's neck.The vibration of it
went straight down to Loki's cock in an electric line. “Don't say things like
that.”
“Why not?” Loki tried to push his pelvis up and rub himself again Thor, chasing
the contact as Thor moved his own hips back.
“You're sixteen.” Thor sounded hopeless, not happy, and Loki wanted to scream
with frustration.
“So what? I bet you were fucking people when you were sixteen.”
“That's beside the point.”
“Thooor.” He knew he sounded whiny, so he locked his legs around Thor's waist
and his arms around Thor's neck and plastered them together, desperately
searching for Thor's mouth with his own, trying to telegraph his desire with
his body. Thor resisted just slightly at first, but then he opened up, letting
Loki move against him and lick into his mouth, and as it grew more heated he
abandoned all semblance of restraint, kissing Loki back deeply - ravenously -
and pressed them both down into the mattress with his huge bulk. Loki could
feel Thor’s cock, thick and hard between them. The thought that it might ever
be inside him made Loki almost delirious.
Thor gave his hips a roll and made Loki gasp. “Yes, I want to fuck you,” Thor
said hoarsely, breathing hard. “More than anything.”
Loki couldn't do much more than whine his agreement.
“But we can't -” and Thor forestalled Loki's indignant complaint with a hand
over his mouth, then soothed him with a kiss and another roll of his hips, “-
we can’t just yet.”
“Why?” Loki wanted to cry again. It felt dangerously like rejection. Like once
more he was offering himself only to be turned down, not even desirable enough
to fuck. He never wanted to hear those two words together - we can’t - for the
rest of his life.
“We need supplies. Lube and...have you ever done it before?”
Loki shook his head. He'd had things in his ass before, but never...never a
dick. It seemed such a shocking thing to say out loud, to discuss so matter-of-
factly while they were both hard and panting. While he was begging for it and
being turned down. He must have looked upset, because Thor kissed him again,
slow and soft, and murmured against his lips. “Later. Later. This now. My
beautiful boy.”
Yes, I’m yours. Let me be yours. Loki’s emotions were such a tangle that tears
started leaking from his eyes and he didn’t even know exactly why.
Thor brushed them away and then kissed him senseless, his hands everywhere,
making Loki gasp and arch and squirm, trailing electricity in his wake, driving
every thought from his head other than this, here, now. Somewhere along the way
Loki registered that they were naked. Suddenly he wanted nothing more than for
all of his skin to be touching all of Thor’s skin and he clutched Thor to him
with all his strength, ran his hands up and down that vast expanse of back.
When Thor kissed down Loki’s chest and the fluttering muscles of his belly and
then took the head of Loki’s cock in his mouth, Loki couldn’t do anything but
throw his head back and moan. Thor’s mouth was hot and wet and he was doing
this thing with his tongue, and Loki grabbed two handfuls of that messy golden
hair and held on for dear life.
He’d never been with someone who really knew what they were doing before and
the difference was blowing his mind. This was a man, not a boy, going down on
him with an entire extra lifetime of experience, dragging pleasure from Loki’s
body that he didn’t even know bodies were capable of.
His toes curled and he bucked up helplessly into Thor’s mouth. Thor wrapped one
huge hand around his hip and pinned him firmly to the bed, and used the other
to twist up and down Loki’s shaft, slick with spit and precum, chasing it with
his tongue, then plunging the whole thing back into his mouth. A delicious
charge started building inside of Loki, waves of pleasure stacking higher and
higher on top of each other with each pass of Thor’s tongue.
“Thor,” Loki gasped. “Oh god. Oh god oh god I -”
His orgasm overtook him in a rush of blinding bliss, whiting out his vision and
making his entire body tense like a bowstring as he came and came into Thor’s
mouth. When he finally started to float back down to earth he realized that
Thor had been stroking him through it, swallowing the entire load, and then he
licked along Loki’s shaft before planting a gentle kiss on his glistening
cockhead.
Thor looked up at him and smiled, all sunshine and happy eye crinkles. It made
Loki’s chest ache in a weirdly good way, and he turned his head and covered his
face to hide his own embarrassed smile.
“Let me see that beautiful face, sweetheart,” Thor said, his voice warm and
rough, and he came up to lay his head on the pillow next to Loki. Loki let him
pull his hand away and stroke his cheek and he couldn’t help but nuzzle into
it.
“I like that,” Loki said.
“Which part?” Thor sounded amused.
Loki laughed once, a little nervously. “All of it. But…” He felt his cheeks go
red. “‘Sweetheart.’”
Thor smiled at him again, that huge open grin, and Loki knew he was stupidly in
love.
He couldn’t say it, didn’t know how...what words to use or even how to make his
voice work at all at the moment, or if he even should in the first place. He
didn’t want to cling and drive Thor away, but he didn’t want to do nothing
either.
He settled on kissing Thor’s palm. The little appreciative noise he got made
Loki bold enough to keep kissing up his arm, over the curve of his shoulder and
to his chest. Thor let himself be pushed onto his back and groaned when Loki
nosed down into the crease of his thigh. Being the cause of all those noises
filled Loki with fierce happiness.
Thor had been hard for ages and his cock was red and weeping slightly.
Hesitantly, still afraid Thor might push him off, Loki kissed the sticky tip.
Thor inhaled sharply but didn’t push him off, so Loki stuck his tongue out and
licked and earned himself another groan.
“Fuck my mouth,” Loki breathed, splaying his hands on Thor’s huge thighs,
feeling the meat of them under his fingers. There were some things he couldn’t
or didn’t know how to say, but this was familiar territory and the words came
easy. This he knew how to do. Everyone always said he was good at it. “Let me
make you feel good too.”
Thor sat up and slid his hand into Loki’s hair at the base of his skull,
pulling him up to kiss him harshly. “Are you sure?” he ground out. “Loki, I -
I’ve been holding back, but…I don’t know if I -”
Loki took his hand and pulled him to the edge of the bed, slipping off and
going to his knees between Thor’s thighs, looking up at him with all the desire
he could put into his gaze.
“Yes.”
Thor bit back a curse and then he was standing, grabbing Loki’s head with one
hand and his cock with the other and nudging the fat head against Loki’s lips.
Loki opened his mouth gladly, eagerly, and braced himself on Thor’s thighs as
Thor fucked into his mouth.
Thor’s cock was enormous and Loki’s jaw ached almost immediately, but he
welcomed it. Welcomed the feel of Thor ramming against the back of his throat,
the obscene wet noises, the spit running down his chin. Thor pushed his hair
back from his face and held it there. Loki looked up and Thor was staring at
him in a mixture of hunger and lust and something else that he couldn’t place.
It was too intense to hold eye contact and Loki closed his eyes again, taking
Thor down as far as he could, gagging a little but not pulling away. It wasn’t
long before Thor pushed him firmly off and started fucking into his own hand,
swearing as he spurted thick ropes of come.
It was with great satisfaction that Loki felt some of it arc far enough to hit
his own face. He had done that. That was his doing.
Thor hauled him back up into the bed afterwards and they curled around each
other. He murmured all kinds of nonsense into Loki’s ear, sweet and filthy,
until Loki was a blushing mess.
“Are you sure I can stay here with you?” Loki whispered. “Because...because I
don’t know where else to go. And…”
“Shh, baby, sweetheart,” Thor said, stroking his hair. “Yes. Yes yes yes.
You’re home now, ok? I won’t kick you out, not ever. I l-” Whatever he was
going to say was cut off when Loki, the weird-good ache in his chest
overwhelming him, surged in for a frantic kiss.
They snuggled for a long time, dropping in and out of dozy morning sleep,
wrapped in each other’s arms.
Loki tried determinedly not to think about anything other than right here right
now. Every time his mind tried to veer to last night, or his mom, or the
future, he violently jerked it back to the present and the feeling of Thor’s
body pressed against his own.
The future would come later whether he wanted it to or not.
But the present was pretty damn nice.
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!
